a positive update

so I have noticed it has been a long time since I have updated this. it seems to me that I don't write here unless things are bad, or I feel the need to complain/bitch, not when things are good. well lately, overall, things have been really good. This may be why I didn't write here. Fear of it ending, or fear of my happiness causing someone else to be upset or hurt. it really is the truth, the last 2 days I have had some very distinct fears, I think that fear is natural, and I hope that my fears are unfounded, and I have chosen to start talking about my fears instead of keeping them to myself.


the holidays were very good for me, filled with smiles and happiness, a few things that have been tough, but I have been very good keeping on the positive side of things, especially considering all the challenges that I have been given recently.


I again feel like I am at a transitional point in my life, i have been very satisfied with how the majority things have been going, there are exceptions of course but overall the direction I am going feels right. I feel that the next couple of weeks will either show a continuation of that, or will shake things up once again. if I look WAY forward, I see the potentially for the happiest times of my life, I will settle for nothing less. I will not wallow, I will not dwell in the sad things anymore, no matter what happens, I will be this person I have rediscovered, I refuse to go back, and I refuse to suffer by my own hand anymore.


I think about the past still, I think a lot about what might happen now, and in the future, I still have fears, but I cannot let them control me, I want so badly keep this person I am rediscovering, I can't let my fear drive me into hiding again, and I won't. I am no longer allowing myself to get swept up in the emotion of every little thing that comes up. There will always be times where I break down and cry over everything that has happened, especially in the last year. I feel that I have cried, been depressed enough. I know what I need, I have expressed what I need. I plan to do everything in my power to both hold onto what I need, and provide what the people who mean the most to me need as well, at least the best that I can without hurting myself anymore, I just can't do that anymore.

well I am here, on my adventure

I am here... at my parents house... http://tinyurl.com/6hdrzd I am not 100% sure how this is going to go, but I am hoping for the best, there is still alot I am dealing with mentally... but hopefully I can take a break from that and enoy my time here... guess we shall see

Prince Puppy

So I have not written much about my new puppy, who is quickly becoming not so puppy-ish. I have not written about him much due to the frustration and really the anger, I have had with him. It seemed that no matter what I tried I was met with things that aggravated and frustrated me. Last night I played with him for at least and hour or so and realized that there was no drama. This is due to in part him growing up, but also due to me finding patients, and also several talks I have had with Brian my new roommate. Ya I give Brian crap about not being real bright from time to time (just being mean of course) and we mess with each other from time to time, but when it came to pets, he really has a connection that I don’t understand. After just a few minutes with Sprocket, he was able to make him behave and was quite present. I am sure that a lot of my anger and frustration comes out in my actions and I don’t even realize it. (ya ya I know I can already hear people saying “TOLD YOU SO”) lol

I think that I will start posting more pictures of Sprocket. He is a cute dog and attracts attention wherever we go. I hope to have him leash trained by pride, I think that would be a lot of fun, guess time will tell.

you can't go back

I have thought about this statement alot in the past year, off and on most of my life actually. It amazes me how one decision can mean nothing or can change your life forever. I look back on my life and see how much I didn't know. makes me wonder how things would have been different if I had the information I should have at the time that I needed it.

if you couldn't tell this is one of those rembeling posts. have had alot of feeling lost recently. Those feelings of helplessness sneaking up on me. So far I have been able to keep them at bay.

today I updated my myspace profile, as much as I don't like the site, it has gotten better recently. I am hesitating adding a "the past" photo album. I want to, but am not sure if I am that stong. I let myself get rapped up in the past to often. I don't think that it is really a good thing to do it all the time, I also feel that I need to remember from time to time. Espically those times when I have forgotten where I came from, where the road took me.

I got a new Phone recently, its a nokia... reminds me of the one I had when I went to kentucky. So many years ago. That part in life is the one thing that makes me think, picking up and moving somewhere might be the best thing for me. Usually that thought passes. Espically when I look around and see what I have acomplished, and espically my friends.

I miss several key people that I have had the oppertunity of knowing. People who have made some kind of impact on my life. Its really sad how we can drift apart from people that we care about, people that mean so much to us at points in our lives.

261

Monday after moving.

Well, here I am... sitting at work, a home owner. Wow that really sounds weird to say...

I got a call late on Friday afternoon saying the house had funded and was officially recorded. being neurotic about the whole thing, and having loaded up Erich's borrowed truck and trailer the night before at midnight, I was more than ready to go. Went and met the listing agant at the house, (who also lives 3 doors down) to pickup keys. The Previous owners grandauter was there, tieing down the king size bed that her father/grandfather had given to her (instead of me as he had promised oh well) so I got to meet her, which was more than a little weird.

Since I am at work, I need to condence this a little bit. I got that load of stuff into the garage and made one more that day, then it was time to go see cammeron's play. Erich came up and met me at my new place and we both took the woody wagon out to the play which was in goodyear.... I can't belive how far out that is... LOL The play was really good and after it was over we all went to in and out, Cam decided he wanted to come up and see the new place...

The first night spent in my new place was a little odd, little sounds that I was not used to, the shadows cast on the wall and of course all my stuff not put away yet. Saturday I spent most of the day moving stuff, Loren and I went to breakfast and he helped me out quite a bit. We moved the two non-drivable cars to the new house, and got the rest of the stuff from his place and what I had purchased from the neighbor so by the end of the day, most everything was moved. Loren and Erich came over, we had pizza and moved some stuff around, they both went home and I got in the hot-tub and relaxed, that is SOOO wonderful LOL...

Sunday I spent most of the the day running around returning the trailer and going to the home depot, then hanging out with Erich N and his roommate jon. we came back to my place and they helped me pull some cable from one room to the other, I need to call cox today and look into cable service and internet. the house has never had cable, so I will have to see if they are goint to charge me or not..

I think that is all the update I have so far, wanted to get something written down since I don't have internet at the house yet, figured now is as good of a time as any to get all this stuff in writing.