Time alone

so I have had time to spend alone lately. So far I think its been good for me. I look forward to the changes coming in the next month or so. getting a chance to start over with alot of things. a chance to make changes for me. I have actually started mapping out steps, and I think I will post them here once a few more things fall into place. I want this year 2008 to be the year that I fix the last of what has been broken with me for so long. I would love to see 200 lbs again. I would really like to start trying new foods that I in the past have not liked. I would like to have 2 cars in the garage that I can actually drive. To have a yard that I don't have to be embarrased about (no comments from anyone who says "Your yard is just fine"). I would also like to take the time to decorate the inside of my house and make it more than just plain walls.

These are the highlights. details will come in the following weeks.

I think I can smile again, and if not now, then soon. for no reason. I remember those days, that I was just happy. it bugs me how I can slip into places where I have to think about smiling.

soon I think. soon I will be back there. I really look forward to being home again.

*smiling* now, and not having to think about it. just need to make that a more often thing now

Time.... it changes everything....

lately, I have spent alot of time thinking.... When I say lately, I would have to say over the last year or so. I feel that I have learned a lot about both me and people in general. Its seems like the further I go in life that faster it seems to go, and as time passes some things seem to change, things that I always assumed were a constant in my life.

I think a lot about the last 10 years spacifically. Espically when I find old pictures or somthing that remindes me of the past. I have let myself cry, and feel all kinds of emotion that I felt I should not be feeling in the past. Things that made me feel like I was weak and not in control. I have learned that I have to make room in my life for all the emotions that I feel. I am a very emotional person, and if I deny what I feel, then it makes things so much worse for me.

I wonder what the next 10 years will bring. I wonder if I will have someone special in my life when I reach the end of my journey. I wonder how much fuurther my journey is, and where it might still take me. Sometimes I feel like I should be making more goals for myself, plans for the future, things I should do so that I can show progress. Other times I feel like I should just let things happen, that the best things that could happen will be a surprise.

This weekend, was really nice. I had Cam's b-day on saturday. It was a quiet event, but somthing that I enjoyed, was nice to slow down a little, I also did not drink, even thought my 3-week date I set for myself was up on saturday. I just didn't feel the need to have any alchol. I heard reports of other party's that went on, and truthfully, on some level I wish I could have gone, but I very much enjoyed just relaxing the second half of saturday. This was because I ran around like my head was chopped off on saturday morning, running erronds, and making sure I was ready for the afternoon. So having the second half of the day be calm and relaxing, I think was just what I needed. A good friend of mine K was there, and we got a chance to talk about everything that has been going on in my life. I found myself not being able to formulate words to express what i was thinking and feeling. This is somthing I am really not used to. I worked so hard for so long to be able to be articulate and be able to express myself. I find it fustrating to be so at a loss.

I think that there has been so much going on, that it's been hard for me to put all the smaller things together in my life. To sort of make sence of it all. Thats assuming that one can make sence of somthing that can be so kaotic and confusing...

I can say that I don't really feel lost anymore. I at least can see direction. Not sure exactly which direction, but I can see that there is at least direction. This is the first month I have been able to get out ahead of my bills. I think that may have a lot to do with me starting to see direction. I knew I would get here, it has just taken longer than I thought it would. I know that change like this takes time, but I still feel like I have left a HUGE part of my life behind, and that I am trying to figure out how to adjust to that, and re-orginize my life. I know that time.... as it changes everything, will also change this.. eventually giving me clarity, and a better perspective as to why things are the way they are and how that fits into my life in the future....

ok enough rambeling for now