last night

so, last night I got myself into a really foul mood. It was over the game that I play after work to "relax" all of a sudden it was not fun anymore, and actually really started to bother me.

Usually I can turn it on, and just totally veg, not think about anything and just relax. Last night it didn't work that way. I have been racking my brain to try and figure out how it all happened.

I played for several hours before the group fight that I had schedules with a bunch of other people. that seemed to be the transisition point.

Perhaps it is because it represents the things that bother me about other parts of life. the attitude of "someone is not doing what I think they should be doing, therefore I will verbally abuse them", or berate them, or tell them how they are no good, or totally discount whatever it is they have to say.

I know that it is common for it to happen this way, I also know it has a great deal to do with wielding power and control over another person. I think I can understand the thought process and need to do that for some people. At the same point I also know that it leaves the people at the other end cowering and uninterested in engaging when feedback is desired, or a question is asked, and everyone suffers.

Yes I realize it seems like I am making a big deal out of noting, but it’s not like this is the first time this has happened, there are so many little things that make things like this seem so much bigger, so many petty things that people attack each other for.

Personal experience tells me that if you make something enjoyable, and foster open communication, people will actually WANT to help, to be better, to make a difference. They can take a personal interest in something they can enjoy.

Unfortunately, once I am in this mood or state of mind, everything starts to bother me. That is something I wish I could find a way around, cause it really is not a pretty trait for me. The only way I have found to deal with this part is to get away unplug and reset. This is what I did last night. when I woke up today, I felt really emotionally drained. I am sure it is because I got so worked up over something stupid, something I should have just walked away from when it started bothering me.

I am thinking that It may be time for a break, time to focus on some other interests and come back with a fresh perspective later.

feel better letting some of this out.

back at work

So here I am back at work, its weird to be back but in a good way I think. I hope I can keep occupied today. I think it would be bad if I can't. here is to keeping my fingers crossed.

as the sun sets

as the sun sets, and the day comes to an end, I am left pondering how it is that a day can start out one way and end the complete opposite. Tomorrow will be another day, and I look forward to it. My fear has subsided, and I have again found my peace, and my smile. Calm, centered, at peace with my life.

I commit to myself tonight to move forward from here, first for me, for my happiness, for trueness to myself and who I am. I will not pressure anyone if I can help it, for any reason. I will just be me, and let things outside of me happen. I will be here, ready for everything life has in store for me. No longer the victim, no longer the odd man out. Through example being the person that people enjoy being around, being known for my smile and positive attitude. That person missing for so long, is back and I personally have so missed him.

I am no one special just a common man with common thoughts, I have lead a common life there are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who has ever lived. I have loved another with all my heart and for me that has always been enough

A time and place for everything

I have thought for a long time that there is a place for everything and everyone in this world, I have also believed that things happen for a reason when they do happen. The unfortunate part of this is that we do not always have much say in what place we have in the world, or the timing of things that happen. Of course there is some control, but on several levels we don't get to choose our place in the world, or what purpose we serve. I do believe that everyone does serve a purpose in the world, and each time someone denies that the whole world suffers just a little bit. The reason I started down this line of thinking is due to the fact that I have been doing alot of thinking about what it is that is my purpose in the world, and how I could better support that purpose.

What I have come up with so far is that my purpose is to make the lives of those people who enter my a little bit better when they need it most. When there seems to be nothing positive in their lives, it is my ability and duty to step in and offer a ray of hope, it may be very small, it may be something unnoticeable. but just enough for for those people to know they are not alone, that at least one person cares about their thoughts and ideas, about the things that they care about most. Lately, I think that I may have not been as on my game as I have been in the past, but I am working very hard to get back to where I can be proud of this.

when I started writing this, i thought that I would get into the how's and the why's that I think this happens, and also the down sides for me as a person. now after thinking about it, I think that I should leave it at this, a positive message to remind myself that I do have a purpose, and my place in the world. That the people in my life may actually get much more out of it than I give it credit for.

Its so hard for me to write things like this. It reminds me that I am often a fool, trusting where I should not, giving where I should not. but firmly believeing that someday... someday it will all be much more clear. All the dots will be connected and I will be able to see the whole picture.

I can hope, and noone can take that away from me except me...
-D

Why do I write in these pages?

I have done quite a bit of thinking about why I right in these pages. My standard answer is I write here for me. Lately, I have lost much of my interest in writing, feeling that it caused more harm than good. Thinking that the words that I had to say meant very little, to anyone other than the other voices in my head.

I often have a very low opinion of my self. I know this. It is something that I have tried to work on lately. I feel that this is one of the things I have been failing at. Along with being a good partner, friend, and lover. I have had some pretty low points lately. In the end there are 2 choices, live with the way that things are, or make changes to make them better.

At this point, I want to continue to make changes that I think will make things better. It is taking so much more strength... more will power, it hurts, I cry, I feel like a fool, I feel like a failure. but I move on... forward... always forward... looking back when I have to, crying when I have to, picking up my foot for that next step no matter how hard it might seem, no matter how much I know that next step might change everything for the worse.

I know.... I know that in a moment, everything could change for the better, just as it could change for the worse. I hold tight to my hope, that the future holds happiness, smiles, love, and companionship.... I hope.... I will be ready