Lost friends

I was fairly determined to not post anything about my weekend, but there is something small that happened... that I thought I should write about.. something that makes me both sad and frustrated at the same time.

Several months for reasons that I can't even remember now, I grew apart from someone that I considered a good friend. I feel that I reached out to this person a couple times, only to be told in no uncertin terms that my communication was no longer needed. Normally I can let this go.. I understand people often grow apart from each other, but this one got to me much more than I thought it would. This weekend While I was at Disney, I saw this person... all he could say was hi, and his focus was mostly toward someone else in our party... I thought I was over the whole thing, but it brought back up all that emotions that I had around this the first time.

I don't let alot of people in.. at least not into the real me. He was one of the few that I felt close to. at times I knew that he had to be at arms distance because that is just what he needed, but you don't really realize how much someone means till they are gone.

I also would like to say that I regret some of the things that I thought about him since that time, they were not fair and were really only to help me feel better... which they did not. mostly it was a defensive mechanism for me. I needed to be mad so that I would not be hurt.

I would just like to say. "Brian, I am sorry that we grew apart, I am sorry that I dissapointed you, I am sorry that we grew apart, and I miss the friendship that we shared at one point."

thoughts mind dump

its been a little while since I was able to post... I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately... about life, family, friends... the people I miss, the ones I don't... people that touched my life, made me smile, and then were gone... People that came into my life, and caused hurt and pain... Those that randomly entered my life if even for a few moments, made an impact and then moved on as if it was almost planned as a message...

mostly I think about my feelings, why I feel them, what spured them. I wonder if they will change in the future, or if this is just how it will be for me and my future...

I have wondered about what is the next decision I will make... the next decision that will define my life going forward... I still listen to music when I think, I cry, I smile, I sit quietly... There are so many things that I want, I just feel like I need to find myself before I can even try to work on the things that I want... like I should make a list of thing things that I need, before I look at the list of things that I want... my problem is that its difficult for me to difference between want and need, maybe on some level they are the same thing. a want, that becomes so strong it moves into a need category. or a need that is subconscious and comes across as a want.

I read a note from my mom the other day, that relayed a story of dad's tractor catching fire while he was using it, how he was covered in soot from head to toe when she found him, and he was not feeling well... Once again this kinda pointed out to me far away they are.

I have thought about getting out of the tech field, moving into something different. I feel so tired all of the time. I think most of it comes from work. I know that there are other sources in my life right now too, but for the most part, I know that I need to get away from this place at the very least. I literally feel like it is killing me, one moment at a time. Quite a different feeling from when I started working here. how I thought this place was my home, how I had found a place that I could retire from... Not sure I have ever been so wrong about anything... it reminds me of someone looking at a cow and saying "your a frog!!" and repeating it over and over again, thinking that eventually the cow will be a frog "with enough work and process, we can make that cow a frog..." and it just does not work that way... just admit its a cow and move on....

odd analogy I know... I bet a few people I know will get it though...

I think thats about it for now.

Speachless

So there was a lot of emotion, thoughts, feelings over the last couple days. At least there was for me. L and I had a pretty significant fight over the weekend on the 6th as a matter of fact. a lot of things were said.. I left the conversation thinking that I had truly lost the best friend I had ever had. I cried, I thought, I retreated into the darkest parts of my mind... accompanied only by my music... I was very afraid of what might come next, where things would go from that point... I was so so upset about the whole thing..

then today. I get a picture message from him, of the giz. with text that simply said, "Gizz wanted me to send this to you"...

I have to say that simple gesture brought a tear to my eye, the reason why doesn't really matter. Just that it did. I responded trying to convey my feelings without being to wordy..... and then it happened, he responded with a message that I had absolutely no response for, that struck me totally speechless.

Since then, I have thought about everything again. about all the things that have happened to me, that I have experienced. I find myself wondering again if the choices I made were the right ones, if there was any other way to accomplish what I needed to accomplish without these decisions... I do have to say that I mis my friend, and as much as people have told me it will, it has not gotten any easier. to be honest I am not sure if I want it to get any easier.

well I am rambling so I think I will stop there.

thinking...

so.... I don't even know how to start this... I believe that everything happens for a reason... that there are no accidents... but lately I feel so disconnected to from the things that I heald so dear for so long... I feel like I am being torn away from the things that have meant the most to me for years... I have to wonder if this is how it is supposed to be, I have to wonder what is next for me... if I made the right choices? if I made the right choices for the right reasons... i try very hard not to regret any of the decisions that I make, but at the same time I have to stop and think about some of the choices I have made recently. I think about the past, about the future, and ocasional think about the present. People that I are in my life, people that are no longer in my life...

I think that it is time that I sit down and make some goals, short term and long term, things that I need to change in my life, things that I want to make me truly happy... I had a dream about M the other night, I drempt that I was sleeping next to him, just cuddeling... I woke up crying... so much emotion..

I took the past monday off sick, I just could not seem to get out of bed.. I felt like I had the world's weight pushing down on me. Its not like I was depressed, just that I didn't have the mental strength to get up out of bed to come to work... I ended up going over to Eric's and we went for breakfast and bummed around a little, that was really nice. it made me think that I should really get a way for a little while, I am supposed to go to Oregon in june and I don't think I will have the 510 together by then... that makes me sad, but I just have not been in a good mental state to work on it. I don't want to push it, if I can't enjoy working on it then I don't want to.

so many things on my mind... so may things that I should really put down somewhere, that I can look at later... I am just not sure how to put them into words.

I think I will stop there. maybe add some more later when I get home and relax a little...