Copeing.... Or not....

I originally wrote this post while I was laying in bed half awake... I have decided that I wanted to re-word it.

Tonight i was talking to a good friend of mine... As we exchanged txt messages... He made a remark about my life being better recently.. My response was that I thought it was better because I had taken the time to make it better.. That I had been using this, "To get me through" losing a major part of my life, or at least that's what I told myself. Once I read this message that I had typed I started to think... Maybe this was not coping at all, maybe this was Avoiding the issue of what I was feeling and what was now missing in my life. I think that this small fact alone may have caused pain for other people that I had let into my life at that time. That really upsets me. I hate the thought that I may have caused another person to hurt. Most times I put on a pretty good front as being not phased by things. The reality is that this is my defensive reaction, That it is better to appear strong then allow someone to see what I am really feeling.

There are clearly some things that I need to change in my life. I am not sure how comfortable I am putting them here, but I do know that I would like to document them somewhere and start making some progress... there never seems to be enough hours in the day. perhaps some priority on things as well, maybe even planning out the day with time slots for some of this stuff, get into a routine to make it easier.

I know that everything is changing these days. I am both excited and afraid. I sill look forward in life with hope and a smile. but also with a bit of anxiety.


I am pretty tired now.. Perhaps more tomarrow.

Friday... lots to do...

Well, today is friday... I am at work... (DUH) I am going over all the things I need to do before... well... tomarrow, LOL. Long story short, (I know to late), Cam is having his b-day this weekend, I said I would participate... Now I just need to run around with my head shopped off for a while to get everything ready... LOL I do this to myself all the time... this time at least I am smileing, knida looking forward to shopping actually.. Oh ya and I have dinner with a friend tonight too, I keep forgetting about that.

Its a shame things have been f-ing crazy at work today. Even still I would call it a good day. lately I have been much better at stating my opinion, then taking a step back and saying, "Ok whatever you would like to do." This has helped me stay much more sane here. I think that in the future things will continue to be at least ok.

Heres to looking to the future and what is going to be the next Great Adventure.

life update.

just back from lunch, today is one of those days where several seemingly random things come together, and when you stop... take a step back.. and look you see how things are connected, how things that seem random really arn't. to paraphrase a movie that I enjoy... sometimes life seems like a mass of dots.. but from another perspective, life, everything even death, makes sence. its not just dots... instead we are all connected, and its beautiful and its funny and its good..... from this close we can't expect it to make sence.... right now.....

I had a on-line conversation with my friend kristina today... I have noticed that when we have a serious talk about somthing she can put things into such utter clarity in such simple words... she said "whatever happens will happen. But you smile and light up when you talk about him in ways you didn't in the past. That speaks volumes, the smile, the change in your tone of voice, your eyes widen. Its different, its good to see." I read that statement several times, it is somthing I have heard more than once now... but it wasn't until I read it that things started to fall into place. I told someone at one point that it was like when I was at the lowest part of my life I said... "this is what I need" and the universe was listening, and cam dropped into my life. Yes things are not perfect, and the timing could have been better, but who am I to not at least see where this goes, all my doubt and excuses. Well they were just that, doubt and excuses. I am trying very hard to not jump from one relationship to another, but at the same point I don't want to convince myself that I don't deserve this or worse yet that I don't deserve to be happy.
its very strange to look at the future now and see a haze now, but also to smile at the unknown, knowing that there is no limit to what could be... what is out there yet to be uncoverd for me... So many things I have not done that I want to... I smile just knowing that I feel control again for the direction that my life is going...

L came over last night and for the first time when he left, I didn't feel like I have made the wrong decision, that the choices I made were the best choices that I could have made with the information that I had at the time. I hope he figures out what he needs in his life and he finds a way to attain that and all the happienes he could ever desire. I also hope that I do not lose him as a friend... With some of the conversations we have had, I think it is a distinct possibility that we could grow out of each others lives, no matter how hard we might try not to. That thought makes me want to cry every time it crosses my mind... Kristina and I talked about this today as well. she put it into a analogy that made alot of sence to me... she said, "do you remember when you were a kid and you were putting together a puzzle, and there was that piece that you wanted to fit into a certin place, and no matter how hard you pushed it didn't fit there. but it fit very nicely in another area?" This is how it has always been with L and I. there was always somthing about us that just didn't fit as a couple... no mater how much we were alike in some ways, there were fundamental differences that made us our own person. these differences also made us not quite fit in this situation.

on an adverage day, I will sit here at my desk working with my music on random. and it amazes me how I will start to think about somthing, and a song will come on that has memories attached to it regarding the same thought. Music is SUCH a huge thing for me. I can cry, I can laugh, I can remoniss, or I can smile. so many beautiful memories in my life, so many tears shed. So much love, so much heartbreak. All of which makes me who I am today, someone who I never would have thought I could be when I was leaving home for the first time. Stong successfull, happy loving, caring, warm.

And the best is yet to come.

thinking...

so.... I don't even know how to start this... I believe that everything happens for a reason... that there are no accidents... but lately I feel so disconnected to from the things that I heald so dear for so long... I feel like I am being torn away from the things that have meant the most to me for years... I have to wonder if this is how it is supposed to be, I have to wonder what is next for me... if I made the right choices? if I made the right choices for the right reasons... i try very hard not to regret any of the decisions that I make, but at the same time I have to stop and think about some of the choices I have made recently. I think about the past, about the future, and ocasional think about the present. People that I are in my life, people that are no longer in my life...

I think that it is time that I sit down and make some goals, short term and long term, things that I need to change in my life, things that I want to make me truly happy... I had a dream about M the other night, I drempt that I was sleeping next to him, just cuddeling... I woke up crying... so much emotion..

I took the past monday off sick, I just could not seem to get out of bed.. I felt like I had the world's weight pushing down on me. Its not like I was depressed, just that I didn't have the mental strength to get up out of bed to come to work... I ended up going over to Eric's and we went for breakfast and bummed around a little, that was really nice. it made me think that I should really get a way for a little while, I am supposed to go to Oregon in june and I don't think I will have the 510 together by then... that makes me sad, but I just have not been in a good mental state to work on it. I don't want to push it, if I can't enjoy working on it then I don't want to.

so many things on my mind... so may things that I should really put down somewhere, that I can look at later... I am just not sure how to put them into words.

I think I will stop there. maybe add some more later when I get home and relax a little...

the weekend...

The weekend is over, and as I sit here listening to some heavy trance music on my headphones, I think back over the weekend. WOW is the best way to describe it. Seems like so much is happening in such a short time...

I often wonder if life is a grouping of little circles... when I say that I mean I wonder if we go through things that we have already gone through in a slightly different way so that we can remember, so that we can get a different perspective... I have noticed that I have gone through alot of the stuff I have already been trough in my life again recently, but this time its like I am on the opposite side of the situation, seeing things from the other perspective. its really weird to see a situation coming and realize that I am now on the other side. it has caused some really emotional nights, and also some true smiles and laughter... at the same time I am apprehensive about the future, and the things that may be coming. i find my self stressed out about stuff that 1. I have no control over. 2. things that I have done everything I can about, and 3. things that are so far in the future, that I need to just let things happen and see where they go... I guess there is alot more time to think about things now, time to sit in the dark, time to deal with my deamons. I find myself spending alot of time with friends now, compensating I think... I need to try and spend some time alone, so that I can get used to it. so that I can be good at being on my own again...

I talked to mitch today, that was nice... it did make me realize that I made a few promises that I need to keep this year, I need to make an appoitment with the dentist and the doctor for my snoring and lack of sleep... I hope Mitch will get to come down and visit AZ this year, I think that would be a good time.