waves of emotion

Sitting at my desk listening to a collection of carol of the bells of all things. Waves of emotion crashing over me, making me feel as though I could lose it at any moment. I believe this is a good sign that it may be time for me to go to bed.

flipping through music form the past, and the feelings attached to each song, each note. So many good memories, so many horrible hurtful memories. all part of what makes me... me..

Now crying... time for bed....

just needed to post this

I fell into this pit of uglieness in the last couple hours.... this song came on and saved me again... has to post the lyrics

In your life
Thing may not always go right, for you
In those times
Just leave it behind
Cause sometimes you gotta play the game
Just to survive
Without losing yourself
It`s a fight, it`s true
It takes time
Don`t have all the answers
No matter how hard it gets
Hold on to what`s inside

Don`t never let nobody bring you down girl
Don`t never let nobody tear your world apart
Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful u r

In the dark
The pain chips away at your your heart
So deep
Can`t you see
See the light in the distance
Open up your eye, look, look to the sky
And believe
There`s much more to life when you free
That`s the key
And in time
You will find all the answers
Don`t have to loose your pride
hold on to what`s inside

Don`t never let nobody bring you down girl
Don`t never let nobody tear your world apart
Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful u r
Don`t never let nobody bring you down girl
Don`t never let nobody tear your world apart
Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful u r

Don`t care what they say anymore
There`s no time to be insecure
I leaving it all at the door

She staring at him in the face
She`s taking it day by day
I`m finally on my way

Look in the mirror and see who you are
Beautiful u r

Poem that really got to me

I found this poem, and it just really got to me. (thank you Mitch for posting it)

Does It Matter?

My parents asked me if I am gay
I said, "Does it matter?"
They said, "No, not really."
I told them, "Yes."
They said, "Get out of our lives."
I guess it mattered.

My boss asked me if I am gay.
I said, "Does it matter?"
He said, "No, not really."
I told him, "Yes."
He said, "You're fired, faggot."
I guess it mattered.

My friend asked me if I am gay.
I said, "Does it matter?"
He said, "No, not really."
I told him, "Yes."
He said, "Don't call me your friend."
I guess it mattered.

My partner asked, "Do you love me?"
I said, "Does it matter?"
He said, "Yes."
I told him, "I love you."
He said, "Let me hold you in my arms."
For the first time in my life something matters.

My God asked, "Do you love yourself?"
I said, "Does it matter?"
He said, "Yes."
I asked, "How can I love myself? I am gay."
He said, "That's the way I made you."
Nothing again will ever matter.

--Author Unknown

tears

tears from my heart
tears from my soul
longing to again feel a part
tears caused by the hole
the tears I cry because I am a fool

i wonder why
i've said goodbye
wonder how I will live
I wonder when I'll die

why it seems a simple question
yet so many long answers
Everything for a reason
I must go on, one day at a time

it hurts so bad
I want to make it stop
thinking of what I had
thinking of what I need
it hurts so bad



a life not lived to its fullest is a life wasted.
i will do my best to now live the life I have left to the fulliest.

-Dave

fear that I may be fooling myself

Tonight, i have started to doubt the things that have kept me going recently. I want to cry. I feel like there is no reason to go on. I feel like the things that are so important to me, are not real, like I am once again fooling myself. That i am one of the few people that actually means what I say. I hate feeling useless. Why can't this be simpler? why can't people just say what they mean? Why do I choose to share when I have those thoughts that will just get me hurt again.

I wonder how I might get to sleep tonight, I am ready for this part of my life to be over. I am ready to stop being hurt, over and over again.

I am done tonight... I just need to pass out... wheres my hammer??

in the city, in the dark

as I lay here in the dark, in my hotel room. I look out at the city lights, i wonder what could possibly be next in my life. just since I have been here in my room, I have been happy, randomly cried, and been depressed (mostly by the news was better when I turned off the TV)

Tonight I just want to crawl under a rock and hide. just to be away, if even for just a little while. It is looking more and more like I am not going to be able to go home till after the weekend. That kinda bums me, but at the same time I am having trouble caring, or seeing that it really matters at all. I hope tomarrow will be better, today was ok, had some good highlights just supper emotional.

Started a facebook page today... that has been interesting... saw my friend raul on there from high school, brought back lots of memories, sent him a message we will see what happens.

maybe its time to just unplug for the evening, listen to some music.

my arms

heard an original version of this, a slow version of this. Heard the words.... I cried... i smiled... I felt sad, and I felt happy... Safe in my arms... one the few things that I really feel like I can offer someone... to quote a movie that seems to fit...

" They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were, but I couldn't hold on to them. they were pulled right out of my hands. I failed. "

Plumb In my arms

your baby blues
so full of wonder
your curley cues
your contageous smile
and as i watch
you start to grow up
all I can do is hold you tight

knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

story books full of fairy tales
kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
you'll someday see the truth from lies

knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
dreams may not come true
but you are never all alone
because I will always
always love you

clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

lost in my head

sometimes its not possible to see the way things will work out. sometimes things happen that take your breath away, that knock the wind out of your sails. but even at these times, there can be clarity, there can be explanations for things that didn't quite seem to make sense. Sometimes when you stop asking why is when you get your answer.

Tonight I hurt, seeing now more of the picture. Its hard to see how this could be ok again, but also knowing that its not something I have control over, I might be able to set some rough direction but I will not be able to see how this will be ok, it will just be one day. it is my job to hold myself together until it does, *irony* "to be strong" (seemed so easy before now) until enough time passes, until I have reached that higher ground.

one step at a time, one moment at a time. learn from these lessons, try to stay as open as possible. see the good in everything, remember that wonder of the world that I used to be so good at.

I wish it could be different, it can't, not right now. but I truly wish that it could he, and I am truly sorry for the decisions that I made. but all I can do is learn from those and not make the same mistakes again.

weddings

Today concluded my first traditional wedding... I know now why I may not have ever really gone to one before. I feel like I avoided them, but never really understood why.

A little background, this was my cousins wedding. it was big and beautiful, she and her now husband are of the catholic faith. I think this fact alone requires that it be a large wedding, filled with family and friends.

I think I did pretty well for a while, it was when they stood in front of us all and spoke the vous that they had written for each other and I looked around to see people's eyes watering. This is when I had to start fighting back the tears. Not just because it was a beautiful thing, but also because I started to realize that no matter how many things changed in the world, I am not sure that I could ever ask family to come together like this for me and someone that I cared about.

It could be because it seems wrong, maybe its because marriage has just been drilled into my head as one woman and one man. no matter what the reason it struck very deep with me, and set me into a dark quiet place, where I just wanted to think.

After the ceremony there was a 40 minutes drive to the reception, where there was going to be an open bar for an hour. (this sounded just fine to me, I could use a drink) We arrived at the restaurant Hs. Lordships, which was on the Berkley peer, and looked over the bay with a view of San Fransisco. The resturant was older, and until this point all I knew about it was that grandma remembered they had brought her a chilled the last time she had eaten here with grandpa.

I escorted mom through the restaurant and into the downstairs bar (apparently there were several) we socialized with the family and a couple people who seemed just like random passers by. My uncle Mark was there with is Partner of 10 years, Rick. I always smile when I see them, they are so good together.

My uncle asked me if I would like anything to drink, I said yes and walked with him to the bar. I didn't even have to think about what I wanted, "ya I will have a margarita, blended, with salt please" I was a little strung out at this point and the alcohol would help keep me calm.

We were downstairs for about 45 minutes before they were ready for us. My mom had 3 mi-tai's in that time, and later said "I only drink like this at weddings" which really hurt, because I felt that it could very well be because she thought she may never get to go to a wedding for either of her children.

The night progressed, I stayed pretty quiet, at one point being told "I looked like the security of the party" but I will cover that in another post. I took as many pictures and movies as I felt I could, posed for anyone my mom wanted to take pictures with and made sure that I was there for her as much as possible. She ended up haveing a few more drinks and was quite happy, but I think she had a good time and that is what matters most to me.

I have let this post get a little out of control so I am going to close it up, at the end of the evening, I took mom and grandma home, the drive was quiet. and not I am here left with my thoughts, and how I will work this into my life. it was a really good night but also had tones of deep thought, and some sorrow. I know its not his thing, and that he is still recovering, but I really wish dad could have been here too.

With that, I am going to sign off for the night.


, and that what I was watching would never be me. No matter how much I wanted it.

As I pulled into work fromt he gym , I heard this song. I sat and listened, cried and came back into work, had not heard it before today.

linkin park
leave out all the rest

Don't be afraid
I've taken my beating
I've shared what I made

I'm strong on the surface
Not all the way through
I've never been perfect
But neither have you

So if you're asking me
I want you to know

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest
[End Chorus]

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are

[Chorus]
When my time comes
Forget the wrong that I've done
Help me leave behind some
Reasons to be missed

Don't resent me
And when you're feeling empty
Keep me in your memory

Leave out all the rest
Leave out all the rest

Forgetting
All the hurt inside
You've learned to hide so well

Pretending
Someone else can come and save me from myself
I can't be who you are
I can't be who you are

Ripples across the pond

This has been said to death I know. Life goes by so fast, I look back and wonder where the last 10 years went, seems like just a blink of an eye. Along the way, we make choices, ones that seem small at the time. but even the smallest stone into a pond makes ripples that echo across the water. Makes me wonder what the next 10 will bring, how many years are left.

I think back on my past, and it seems I spent a lot of time in my life helping people be happy, being there for the ones I hold the closest, sometimes to just be an ear, sometimes to be that goofy fuy that you can't help but laugh at. makes me wonder if when I need someone there will be someone there for me.

I used to wonder if people thought about life and how to make this a better place to live like I did. I understand now that a lot of people don't get much outside of themselves. I think that is sad, So much wonder can be found in people, their thoughts, and human nature. I feel like when I talk to someone, I feel their pain, their happinesses, like I lived the experience. I am coming to the understanding that this is a rare thing, that most people hear, but don't listen.

I think about all the people that have touched my life just by being there, I think that this is a big part of the meaning of life. the connections we make with people in our lifes, The smiles, the tears, the fights, the laughs. When they go, these are all the things that make that one person special, how they touched the people in their lives, and in rare cases bring together people who might not have ever otherwise met. I look back on my life and I think that is one thing I am truly lucky for, being able to have as many special people in my life as I have. The memories I have created that I hope I can hold onto for the remainder of my lifetime. I hope that when my time is up those special people will say that I made some sort of impact on their life like I know they have mine.

I've learned

I've learned that somthing that seems to mean so little can change ones life forever

I've learned that sometimes somthing said in passing can stay with you forever and shape the decisions that you make.

I've learned that it only takes one sentance to make you wish the rest of your life you didn't say it

I've learned that it only takes a moment to hurt someone you love, and leave a mark on them for a lifetime

I've learned that I am responsible for my actions no matter how I "feel"

I've learned you can keep going long after you think you can't

I've learned that its ok to breakdown, to cry, to feel week and powerless. Its part of being strong the rest of the time.

I've learned that it's taking me a long time to become the person I want to be.

I've learned that to truly forgive is not easy, and takes practice.

I've learned that I can't make someone love me.

I've learned that being someone worth loving is eaiser, then believing it.

I've learnd that no matter how good a friend someone is, there will be times where they hurt you, and that to be a true friend, you have to forgive them and move on.

I've learned that somtimes it is ok to be angry, but it is not ok to be cruel.

I've learned that no matter how badly my heart is broken, the world doesn't stop for my grief.

I've learned that trust takes time to build, and moments to be destroyed

I've learned that two people can look at exactly the same thing and see somthing totally different.

I've learned that writing, as well as talking can ease emotional Pain.

I've learned that the people you care the most about are taken from you too soon.

I've learned that if I can make one person laugh every day, I am helping do my part to make this place a little nicer to live.

I've learned that people will take advantage of my good nature, but this will not stop be from helping people in my life in any way that I can. Some of those people reach out an open hand, to say thank you, that makes it all worth wile.

a Day unexpected

Today started out fairly stressful, I knew there was a big meeting. Somthign they call an "all-hands" alot has lead up to this meeting. A lot of changes, in orginization, in policy, things people didn't understand, rumors that were running rampant. The unfortunate thing is that after you hear 4 or 5 people say the same thing rumor or not, you start asking yourself if they might be true.

Even today the rumors became MORE out there as the meeting aproached, that there was going to be some big announcement, that we were all going to be out sourced. long story short, there was no announcement. Further, the CIO addressed all the rumors that I had heard. He also asked for questions about the change in policy and answered directly and honetsly each question, no matter how repettitive, no matter how much it was asked out of anger. There was no beating around the bush, ther was no evading. I think I have decided to send him and e-mail with my thoughts on everything. perhaps I will start composing that tonight.

Coming home, I was tired, mentally more than anything. I worked on the evap cooler on my house for a little while, got it all tuned up so that it worked much better. I used the time think think about things, time spent working on me. I feel like I ma finally making visiable progress. I came down off the roof feeling very numb. like I has spent to much energy on the day, and that I just wanted to unplug. I realize that I use that term alot, but I have found ways to actually turn off my brain and the thinking.

I decided to sit down in the office and collect the days thoughts as I listened to some music. before I fired up I-tunes, I checked e-mail and myspace (I hate that it has become a habbit) read a little, when I did finally open up I-tunes, I browsed over the music, and was drawn to a song called "Hands Held High" by linkin park. I realized that I had not heard this one, which is on the minutes to midnight CD. i turned it on and the first 3 notes told me. "this was going to be different" As I listened, I was left without words, or emotion. Now, and tears stream down my face, I can't understand why. I do know that this song spoke to me on a very intimate level. Somthing that has started to happen to me more and more espically with music.

A new part of my life, I am excited, scared, optimistic, and most of all, happy. Both with direction and progress. I wish some things could be different. But I know that I have to accept the bad with the good, the laughter with the tears. Never forget the past or where I came from. but don't let that hold me back from where I am going, from reaching for the stars and my goals.

Why?

Sometimes I wonder why I do things that I know are not going to work. Why I trust that things could be different this time around. This time I am talking about open communication about what I am thinking. I have known for many years that the way I think doesn't always make sense. I do know that each time I have tried to have open free flowing communication bad things end up happening, its probably my fault I have so many things that are broken about me.

Tonight I feel like I am just tired.. Tired of trying to explain how I work, trying to find someone who can understand me. I feel lost, my emotion has deceived me, my trust in myself misplaced.

I am laying here in the dark listing to a track from a play I recently saw... Tears streaming down my face. Music, my mistress, Always there when I need it, to illustrate a point, to make me smile, to let me cry. It reminds me how small I am in this world, and also how connected I can be to another person.

Gonna be a long week.