weddings

Today concluded my first traditional wedding... I know now why I may not have ever really gone to one before. I feel like I avoided them, but never really understood why.

A little background, this was my cousins wedding. it was big and beautiful, she and her now husband are of the catholic faith. I think this fact alone requires that it be a large wedding, filled with family and friends.

I think I did pretty well for a while, it was when they stood in front of us all and spoke the vous that they had written for each other and I looked around to see people's eyes watering. This is when I had to start fighting back the tears. Not just because it was a beautiful thing, but also because I started to realize that no matter how many things changed in the world, I am not sure that I could ever ask family to come together like this for me and someone that I cared about.

It could be because it seems wrong, maybe its because marriage has just been drilled into my head as one woman and one man. no matter what the reason it struck very deep with me, and set me into a dark quiet place, where I just wanted to think.

After the ceremony there was a 40 minutes drive to the reception, where there was going to be an open bar for an hour. (this sounded just fine to me, I could use a drink) We arrived at the restaurant Hs. Lordships, which was on the Berkley peer, and looked over the bay with a view of San Fransisco. The resturant was older, and until this point all I knew about it was that grandma remembered they had brought her a chilled the last time she had eaten here with grandpa.

I escorted mom through the restaurant and into the downstairs bar (apparently there were several) we socialized with the family and a couple people who seemed just like random passers by. My uncle Mark was there with is Partner of 10 years, Rick. I always smile when I see them, they are so good together.

My uncle asked me if I would like anything to drink, I said yes and walked with him to the bar. I didn't even have to think about what I wanted, "ya I will have a margarita, blended, with salt please" I was a little strung out at this point and the alcohol would help keep me calm.

We were downstairs for about 45 minutes before they were ready for us. My mom had 3 mi-tai's in that time, and later said "I only drink like this at weddings" which really hurt, because I felt that it could very well be because she thought she may never get to go to a wedding for either of her children.

The night progressed, I stayed pretty quiet, at one point being told "I looked like the security of the party" but I will cover that in another post. I took as many pictures and movies as I felt I could, posed for anyone my mom wanted to take pictures with and made sure that I was there for her as much as possible. She ended up haveing a few more drinks and was quite happy, but I think she had a good time and that is what matters most to me.

I have let this post get a little out of control so I am going to close it up, at the end of the evening, I took mom and grandma home, the drive was quiet. and not I am here left with my thoughts, and how I will work this into my life. it was a really good night but also had tones of deep thought, and some sorrow. I know its not his thing, and that he is still recovering, but I really wish dad could have been here too.

With that, I am going to sign off for the night.


, and that what I was watching would never be me. No matter how much I wanted it.