More Thoughts and feelings

This is a post I have been thinking about a while now... not even sure where to start... I have been thinking a lot about what I want.. and even more about what I don't want. What I don't want is to get into a situation like I was in the past, and when I say that what I mean is.. I don't want to be in a situation where I am afraid to say what is on my mind.. I don't want to be afraid to be who I am.

To be fair, I also don't want whoever I am in a relationship with, to have any of these fears. On that same line of thought, I also want the relationship I am in to be balanced in a way that we both agree on. In the past this was something I had a different opinion on.. I was looking for a complete balance of power between me and who I was with.... Now what I think I am looking for is a balance that is agreed on by me and the person I am in the relationship with.

I have been thinking about my past, and the relationships I have been in.. the highs, the lows, the mistakes, the lessons I have learned... i look at relationships others are in, and have been in. from all these things, I am trying to gather what is right for me and what is not. what I want and what I don't. what decisions I am going to make about future relationships.

I think a lot about the possibilities that I have before me... right now... the different directions I could take my life right now, the things I have already done... how far I have come, vs how far I may have to go to be where I want to be in my life... I feel I have to weigh the choices, and what each if them mean...

becasue I don't feel like I have all of the answers yet, I have chosen to work on the ME issues first. I want to loose a little weight, I want to be more active, I want to work a more normal schedule until I can make this business thing work. I want to get my teeth fixed... thats a big one... this is what I am going to try working on for the next several weeks to see if I can make progress on... I do feel like I have a better Idea of the decisions I need to make in the near future. 1. they make me smile and 2. I think I am better equipped for the decisions I need to make... this also makes me smile.

thoughts....

laying here in the dark not knowing what to do, I find myself taking some of my own advice and putting the eletronic pen to paper. As a people we have alot of different kinds of relationships in a life time. Friends, lovers, realitives, co-workers, just common aquantances. Each of these relationships has their own set of rules that they tend to follow, nothing that may be set as formal rules, but rules none the less. you would not sleep with a realitive, and you would not invite a common aquantiance to a family gathering for example... I have said for a long time now that a relationship is defined by the people who participate in it.

Tonight I find myself thinking about what happens when a relationship moves outside the definition that they people who are participatants have given to it. Are there given consiquences? should there be? or like the relationship should it be worked out by those same people who are the participatants. This is an angle that I have not thought about until recently. I never even considered what would happen if the definition that was agreed upon by the people in it was violated. I can't even say why I never thought about it, I guess at the time it was a theory, somthing I had not tested, so I didn't have the experience to think about that angle. This is a different perspective for me. Thoughts like "for every action there is an equal and oppisite reaction" and "an eye for an eye" have crossed my mine when thinking about it. I think that the worst part is, once there is an agreement on what a relationship is and that is violated, can there still be trust? whats to say no matter how the rules for the relationship are changed, that they will be adhered to the second, third, or 37th time??

Today has been.... well it has just been.. I think that I will no longer have to work on B's Grand national, and furthermore if tonight is any indication, I will never have to speak to him again..... I really don't understand people. As much as I thought I might have, it is constently pointed out to me how clueless I really am. yet... no matter how many times I get kicked, or knocked down in life, I seem to keep standing up as if to almost say "AGAIN!".... leaves me wondering why sometimes... why do I keep trying?? I think that the best answer is in some of the things that I have written. That I truly believe that I never know what the next great thing is that might be just around the corner, that I try so very hard to remain positive about as many things as I can... no matter how hard it might be some time. Even through the times where I just want to crawl under a rock and hide... I don't... I try to stay out there, to smile, to be readdy for the next swing someone is going to take at me... To lead by example...

The more I think about it today was really backwards day, all the things I have been stressing about ended up really kinda nice today, and the things that I didn't or wasn't stressed out about all jumped up and attempted to taked a big bite out of me.

There is alot more that I have to say, this post it already to long and I need more time to sit and think anyway... I may post again about this.

content and yet conflicted

I have noticed the last week or so has been really good for me, with the trip to LA and some talks I have had with loren, and cam it seems like my life is moving forward.. I went for my walk today, after getting my headphones back from erich day before yesterday I believe. I thought about everything in my life, the good the bad and the stuff that I just don't know about... More than anything I really wish there were more hours in the day. I considered taking today as a "work from home" day, but since my laptop was at work I thought better of it. I am going to try over the next weeks to actually work a normal schedule. I am going to try and rap things up and be out of here by 4, and go home. There is so much I need to do there.. its like it never ends, if I keep putting it off its never going to get done. I think I have decided to leave here at 9 today and go get some things done.

On the conflicted side of things, I feel like I need to just be on my own for a while, but at the same time I really enjoy my time with cam. There are so many things going through my mind right now, its hard to put them all down in writing. When I close my eyes, I can see so many places where he could fit into my life, but I am also very afraid that there are areas that will be difficult for me to share with him. That one thought alone hurts me so much. I hate even the thought of not being able to share somthing about me with someone I care about whoever that person is. If I decide that this is the direction that I want to go, it will require some difficult changes, changes that I am not sure I am strong enough to hold to... I will have to think about this more and do some more writing...

I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to get done after work yesterday, several of them did not happen in the order that I thought they would, and then when I did finally get home I cleaned out the pool tested chemicals, came in the house layed down and could not phisically will myself to get back up and finish what I needed to finish.. so I layed there and by 8pm I was out cold..

I woke up today feeling refreshed, I took a shower threw on some cloths and went for my walk. when I got back I noticed cam had sent me a txt at like 9:30 last night asking if I had gotten everything done that I needed to... since my phone was not on scilent I must have really been out of it. guess I needed it.

I spend some time this morning orginizing my life, lining things up so that I will remember to pay bills and what their due dates are. I checked my power bill today, this is the first full bill, I was happy to see that it was 130$ I just need to go and adjust my cable bill today so that I can get rid of all the extra junk that is on it. then it should be less than 100$ a month that will help too I think... I am wondering how long I can keep up the power bill, should be interesting... to see what happens when I can't use the evaporative cooler anymore.. time will tell I suppose...

thoughts on relationships

Seems to me that this subject has come up in my life repeadly in the last 2 weeks. Gay relationships to be specific. All the different types, Open, monogmous, more than 2 parties. No matter how many times this subject comes up I keep coming back to my own definition of a relationship. A relationship is defined by the people who are in it. Sure seems like a simple thought. straightforward, nothing really hidden. As long as the people in the relationship are communicating. Agree on whatever the parameters have been defined in their particular relationship, with no one getting hurt, then who cares what other people think....

If only the world worked that way, if only people were all open minded enough to see if it works for them, then that is all that really matters. outsiders don't have to understand it, just accept it. I think that our community is on the bleeding edge for the new definitions for relationships... at least I think we are the most willing to talk about it. I personally enjoy the subject, getting other opinions, hearing people say they think this or that is wrong. its interesting to let someone get all the ways that they think a certin type of relationship is wrong out in the open and then start asking questions. Why do you think that? does this have some kind of negative effect on you? is what they are doing hurting anyone? I don't do this because I am trying to be an ass, but I want people to see that narrow mindedness is somthing that leads to discrimination, segragation, and anger. In a case like this I have to ask... WHY??? it would be like me telling somone that I think it is wrong for them to wear purple pants and a yellow shirt. Ya it might look bad to me, but its not hurting anyone, and they like it. so more power to them, maybe that will be the next fashion trend (god I hope not). I know that is an odd way to compare things, but I think it fits, and after all this is MY blog.. LOL

I spent a considerable amount of time chasing an ideal when it comes to relationships... I had found someone who was my best friend, and I was going to do anything and everything I could to be with this person... Anything I could to make this person happy. For a long time I was pretty successfull. Then I decided I would like some some stuff for me... I think this is where I made my first mistake. Because I wanted to fundamentaly change the relationship I don't think that was fair. instead I should have talked to him and told him how I felt and that I thought I was not really letting him see who I really was. Instead I chose to ask for things that were outside the definition of our relationship. I then became offended and hurt when I did not get them, so I asked different ways and pushed harder and harder, untill finally we hit an impass.. I was no longer willing to give and he was not willing to give... we both had our reasons, right or wrong... but it all comes back to communication first. So the relationship came to an end, now I am faced with the thought that I may have lost my best friend to. This again was also due to mistakes that I made. I need to now figure out how to work all of these mistakes and lessons learned into my life in a way that I will not have to make the same mistakes again, and hope that our friendship is not damaged beyond repair.

I will be the first to say that I am always learning new ways to communicate, and how bad I am at communicating certain things. thinking exactly what I want to say, and then having something completely different come out. This is something that I think is driven my fear both of confrontation and loosing something that I care about, ironically this is also the cause of me loosing some of the things that I have cared the most about, which is another reason to work on the issue in the first place.

I am now faced with someone who wants to enter a relationship with me, I will admit I let things go further than I had initially planned, much faster than I had planned. I felt like I just was not ready for something so soon, (relationships have the worst timing sometimes). But I also have to say that the experience has also been positive for me. So much different, I have been completely open and honest with him from day one, telling him that I am and would be a mess, he has been honest with me, nothing shrouded in secrecy or emotion, each time I test the limit, saying exactly what is on my mind, getting a response that he thinks he can understand and responding openly and honest to me. Something I so wish I would have done with L... that is one of my single biggest regrets, followed closely by pushing him so hard for the things I knew he didn't want/wasn't ready for hiding behind the excuse of "I can make things better for him" when all I was doing was making him feel trapped, I will not deny that we have had some truly wonderful moments, things that story's are written about, also some pretty dark moments too, time I would not go back and change for fear of losing any of those memories.

I don't know what role this new person is going to play in my life in the long run, I can say that I am cautiously optimistic, I honestly don't know what will happen from here, althought I am trying to stay positive about this and the rest of my life, it would be so easy to fall back into depression with this, I have just chosen to not let it happen this time, to let things go, and just see what happens.

I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff now, the past several years spent climbing to the top, now I stand alone, ready to jump off into the unknown... seeing highlights of what may be in my future, wondering what adventures await me? wondering if I will be ok? wondering whats next?

wednesday morning

I have been reading some of my friends blogs, and I realize that my trials in life are not always my own. that most people go through them. I have been very careful about what I put in here... mostly since I started writing where it is publically aviable, leaving out names, leaving out the detail of my life. Worried what my friends would think if they ready all the detailed thoughts that I have. Until now I have been ok with this, but the more I read on the web, and the more that see that this is supposed to be a place I can put down my thoughts for me first, where I can come back and remember what I was thinking of feeling. The more I realize that I need to put down more of my full thoughts and feelings. I think moving forward this is somthing I am going to try and do here in my blog.

Last night... last night I left work, I don't even remember what time it was, but I think it was close to 6, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. As it turns out leaving the cooler on all night was not such a good idea. I called loren on the way home and left him a v-mail saying that I could not stop by and pick up the stuff he had for me (his family had started collecting things for me before I bought the house and they were not trickeling over to lorens house) I just felt really tired and run down.

I came home and instead of going to bed like I had planned, I tinkered on the 510. I took it on a couple test drives, and it became clar to me that I don't think it is going to make it to canby, maybe next year, I just refused to feel rushed.. After finishing working on the car, I went into the house washed up, turned on the cooler, stripped down and fell into bed. I ended up watching the rest of heroes that I had not seen yet, and was a little dissapointed with how it ended.... or should I say wrapped up this volume... at some point Loren had sent me a message saying he hoped I felt better, I replied with I was in bed resting trying to feel better. I still feel like our relationship as friends/ex's or whatever title you want to give it, is still very strained. This is somthing that has been on my mind for about a week now. Did I make the right choice? is this the best thing for me? I know that I could ask anyone close to me and they would say yes... but they never saw him like I did, when we were alone, how he could... when he wanted to.... make me smile, laugh, or cry... 10 years is a long time, its a long time to just give up on or to let go of easily. I feel like we grew up together, almost like he is my little brother...

By the time Heroes was done it was 1am and I was pretty sore all over so I thought it would be good to try and get some rest, I turned on a eppiside of law and order set the TV to sleep, and ended up sleep ing right through my alarm. i felt rested but had a pretty nasty sour throat. when I woke up my first thoughts were of cammeron, and that I had not heard from him yesterday, this seemed a little odd to me, but I shrugged it off and got in the shower. I remembered something Loren said to me the last time I saw him... he said "Well if you make him happy and he makes you happy then thats all that really matters." I thought about that through my shower, and as I was getting dressed. I think that I do make him happy, and I think that he does make me happy. My issue is that with him starting ASU in September, he will have new experiences and meet new people. I don't want to stand in the way of that. I want him to have a good time and enjoy his time there. The conclusion I came to is that I should keep things as they are, and let him start school and see what happens. No predetermined thoughts or expectations.

That brings me to now, being at work typing this message. I have thought quite a bit about my goals, and I think that I am going to look for weight loss/getting in shape to be at the top of the list. combined with eating more healthy, and being positive as much as I can. to quote one of my previous thoughts. Live, be happy, knowing that any day, any hour, any moment, the next wonderful thing could come along that would totally change my life forever.