Passing thought

"Now the oak trees are swayin in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face. Through the tangled thoughts I hear a mocking bird sing, This old world really ain't that bad a place."

No its not. It is so much better to remember all the laughs, the stolen kiss, the smile that says I understand, The tear that says "I may not be able to tell you right now, but I love you", non-verbal communication in all forms. I believe that if a picture is worth a thousand words, then a look, a smile, a touch, must be worth an entire library. Hurt will happen, tears will come, but with a simple act. A tear being wiped away, A smile, a hug, a kiss, a lick of the eye, a nibble of the hair. All the hurt and tears melt away, and your left disarmed, haveing no choice but to smile.

I will do my very best to look at all the good things in my life, now and in the future, all the happiness I have had... Is NOTHING compared to what I can make tomorrow be. There is not enough time to waste.

I send out these positive thoughts and energy into the universe, hoping they can help anyone who may need them. Know that there can be no dark without the light to cast those shadows. Remember that the best thing we have that fills the emptieness is each other, and though I do not know you, I love you, my brother, my sister, my friend, my neighbor on this planet.

Random song lyrics

cleaning the house, listening to music, and I heard some really positive song lyrics.

so many times you did not bring this on your self, when that moment finally comes, I'll be there to help.

when you simply need a place to make your bed, right here underneath my wing, you can rest your head.

hope and pray that you never need me, but rest assured I will not let you down.I walk beside you but you may not see Me, the strongest among us may not wear a crown.

on that day when you don't have the strength for the burden you bear, I will be right here.

a positive update

so I have noticed it has been a long time since I have updated this. it seems to me that I don't write here unless things are bad, or I feel the need to complain/bitch, not when things are good. well lately, overall, things have been really good. This may be why I didn't write here. Fear of it ending, or fear of my happiness causing someone else to be upset or hurt. it really is the truth, the last 2 days I have had some very distinct fears, I think that fear is natural, and I hope that my fears are unfounded, and I have chosen to start talking about my fears instead of keeping them to myself.


the holidays were very good for me, filled with smiles and happiness, a few things that have been tough, but I have been very good keeping on the positive side of things, especially considering all the challenges that I have been given recently.


I again feel like I am at a transitional point in my life, i have been very satisfied with how the majority things have been going, there are exceptions of course but overall the direction I am going feels right. I feel that the next couple of weeks will either show a continuation of that, or will shake things up once again. if I look WAY forward, I see the potentially for the happiest times of my life, I will settle for nothing less. I will not wallow, I will not dwell in the sad things anymore, no matter what happens, I will be this person I have rediscovered, I refuse to go back, and I refuse to suffer by my own hand anymore.


I think about the past still, I think a lot about what might happen now, and in the future, I still have fears, but I cannot let them control me, I want so badly keep this person I am rediscovering, I can't let my fear drive me into hiding again, and I won't. I am no longer allowing myself to get swept up in the emotion of every little thing that comes up. There will always be times where I break down and cry over everything that has happened, especially in the last year. I feel that I have cried, been depressed enough. I know what I need, I have expressed what I need. I plan to do everything in my power to both hold onto what I need, and provide what the people who mean the most to me need as well, at least the best that I can without hurting myself anymore, I just can't do that anymore.

diseney land trip thoughts

So I have been thinking about it, and I think that I am ready to write my thoughts on disneyland. This year.... I had a really good time. on top of that, there was no real drama. seems really odd for me to say that, because it seemed like the two always went hand in hand.

This year I also had to make some really tough decisions, decisions that in a earlier time I would have just avoided. This last week I went through alot of, stuff. there is no real blame for anyone or any one thing as to why, but by the end of the week I felt like I had gotten crontrol of it and I was ready to go to disneyland and have a good time. This is a really important time for me, and somthing that I have decided is important to me, and that I need to do for me.

It makes me sad that I feel like I had to hurt someone I care about it to achieve my goals, but I truly believe that with everything else going on, the way things worked out was better for everyone involved, and yes I know that seems like i am making decisions for other people, but really this decision was for me, and my happieness. I feel like I don't give enough credit to that most times.

I met some new people this weekend, I got to catch up with people I don't get to talk to much that have had such a huge impact on my life, I got to smile and laugh, and just be happy. close to "the old dave" the one I miss so much. The weather was wonderful, it felt good to just be ok with everything again. its been so long.

laying here in bed, I can say. this weekend has been really nice, and coming home with an extra day off was very much worth it. I feel like I have made sugnificant progress on me, and now I can make a plan for my future, starting with smaller goals again, getting back into the swing of how the whole process works. I feel like I again have hope for the future, no matter what it might hold for me. I am starting to feel that sence of energy, of hope, of happieness just because coming back to me.

I have had been blessed to have so much love in my life, i need to remember that, I need to remember all the positives in my life all the good things. there are so many people in my life that care about me, people that mean so much to me... I just need to make sure I don't forget that, espically in the dark times.

Songs of meaning, words of strength.

Today... Today is the day I re-take control. The day that "I put right what once went wrong". So much in my life has been changing, I put these things in motion, I had that control. Then for a list of reasons that can best be simplified into fear, I lost that control. I started letting things slide, then I started doing things that only fed my feelings of being out of control. Today I change that and take back the reins of my life from fate.

"i woke up this morning, with this feeling inside me that I can't explain, like a weight that i've carrin, been carried away. But I know something is coming, I don't know what it is, but I know its amazing can save me, my time is coming, I will find my way out of this longest drought. and it feels like today, i'm sure."

Today I have been listening to some music that reminded me what it was like to be positive, and upbeat.. what it was like when I was really ok with me. I had all these things that I planned on saying here, but you know what, that's it.

I am gonna try and keep this feeling going, find more positive music, find more things to smile about. I spent my whole lunch hour with a customer who I really didn't know laughing. Random person that I could find things to smile and laugh about. I can't remember the last time I was able to do that. Slowly figuring out who I am, who I want to be and how I can get to that person. I just have to remember, that its one step at a time. forward, small goals, I need to remember that life is a journey, and half the pleasure are the things along the way. to much time spent trying to cram who I am into a specific box. "I and everything I am should fit into one of these 10 symmetrical boxes." when that is simply not the case.

positive attitude about life on as many days as possible. Step 1

Excited about my LA trip

So I have made my decision... I am going to LA to visit Kristina, her son and maybe eve nudge.... if he has any time where he is not working... and to be honest.. I am really excited.. this will be my first pleasure trip on my own in quite a while... there was always something that was attached to my trips that hung over my head.

After work today I am going to make a trip down to the airport and see what rental cars are aviable. see if I can rent a sentra or somthing for the trip... I will prolly just end up takeing the altima though. will prolly save me money in the long run, and don't have to stress about wrecking a rental.

these last few days I have had an enormous amount of stress, and I saw the effect it had on me in the short term and can feel the long term effects. I have decided that I want to take at least 1 long weekend every other month and just get away for a little while..

I talk to people and they say they can't understand how I can work so hard for so many hours. to be honest I until recently have not even realized I was.. it was just part of what I needed to do to make it through life. every now and then I would stop to "smell the roses." but for the most part it was work and sleep. ben talking to my friend eric, and I think that he is right. its a matter of working till 4ish, and then standing up and walking away from it. I just need to do it.

I want to make it a goal to smile more, work less, and just be positive as much as I can, about everything. stay on top of the things that help me stay positive and happy.

Positive thoughts and writings....

so after this crappy day at work.. I thought I would take a moment or two and write some positive stuff, things that I am happy about things that I am greatful for.

I am grateful for my friends and the joy they bring into my life.
I am grateful that I have a family that I know loves me and would do anything to help me.
I am happy that I have experienced love and caring so deep that it felt like the two of us were one.
I am grateful that I am in a position that I can enjoy my hobies, and the things that I love
I smile and I am happy when I close my eyes and think of all the wonderful things that the future holds for me and how much I am going to enjoy experiencing them.

I try to think of theses things through out the day, and constently come up with new ones. but I thought it would be good for me to put a few down in writing, so that when I come back and read this I can see that its not all negativity that I write about, but also very positive things... its seems we (me and my friends who also keep on-line journals of one type or the other) seem to come to these places of writing archives and write feaverishly and with greate verv about the dark things in our lives, the things that disturb us and makes us cry... lately I have thought alot about why I do this, and for me I think it is because I know that I will come back and read them later and subconciously there is a feeling of never wanting to forget when I was hurt, when I cried, or when I generally feel not so good.

I am going to make it my effort here to post things that are positive as well as negative. I feel that this way both the people who read here and when I come back to read, will see that I am not a negative person.. in fact the oppisite is true... I am usually annoyingly optimistic... I want this to become my point of record of my thoughts and experiences in life. I want to remember all of them, good and bad for as long as I can. This is how I can best learn I think... from my experiences.

I am forcing myself to look to the future, smile and realize that I have no idea what is around the next corner, but that no matter what it is, it will not stop me from being optimistic and excited about might come next.