On the plane

So here I am sitting on the plane.. I can't sleep so I am thinking. As I did my thoughts drifted, first of things I could have done if I-5 was not closed. I could have stayed the extra day and visited my friends in portland. Then my thoughts drifted to driving down the oregon coast, and the past... This of course lead me to thoughts of the past and of L.

I think about him more than I let on. Definatly more than I post about here. I think I am afraid. Afraid what thoughts of him lead to. Seems silly when I actually think about it. So much of who I am is tied to him. We have been in each others lives for a long time.

Through all the times we hurt each other and all the dark stuff, there is somthing wonderfull to counter it, to tell the truth, those are what I remember most. I choose to let the bad fade and hold tight on the things that make me smile, that make me feel warm and fuzzie. All the stuff no one but he and I saw. I think that is what made it so hard.

People from the outside would see things that were on the surface. They never got to see the tender moments, I think this is one of the things that I resent. I understand it, but I resent the fact that I could never prove to people how wonderful I thought he was. After a while I stopped trying to correct people. I stopped looking for ways prove it. Eventually I think I stopped believing it myself. Thinking that if he couldn't be open enough to let people see, that maybe I was the one that was pretending and living in the fairy tail.

I try so hard not to have regrets, but these last couple of months there have been a lot of mistakes. Things that will be hard not to regret for the rest of my life. Things I could never imagine doing, and yet here I am staring them directly in the face.

Tomarrow is a new day.. A day to start fresh..