So many Downer posts.

I was just brousing through my posts, and realized.. I have to many painful hurt posts. I think I need to really work on posting more when I am happy. Like today... Today, I cried, but I am happy. Sometimes I work so hard to help the people I care about be happy, and now, I am happy to hear that someone I care about is happy and again enjoying their life.

In Life it is SO hard to keep in mind all the good things that have happened to us, it seems so easy to be hurt and remember only that. To feel the horrible feeling over and over agian. I have never really understood it, but it seem it happens to many people. I don't want to be one of those people. By nature I am... or at least I used to be optimistic about everything, finding happieness in the stupitest little thing.

I have found myself in a place where I have changed the basic parts of who I am, for reasons that I do not think are good ones. After making so many mistakes it seems so easy to stand at this place in my journey through life and think. "I am no good at this at all."

This week I have made a commitment to myself. I am going to do my very best to move forward from here, Concentrate on those parts of my life that need work, and one step at a time I am going to focus on making each day of my life a little better than the last.

Eventually I think that I could actually get to a point where I can look myself in the mirror and say, "I have done a good job fixing the broken pieces, and am happy with the direction I am now going." Putting so many things off, relying on to many people for things that I should be dealing with myself. It has been time to set a stake in the ground and say.. HERE... This is as far as I go, I am ready to start climbing out of this hole that I have put myself in.

I know, that I have started this before, and I have repaired some of the really broken stuff. Its time to figure out a way to keep on this track. To make it out of the hole and start back on the journey of life.

life and relationships.

I have been thinking about life and relationships tonight. I have come to a few realizations. I know that relationships don't go bad over night, much as the connection made between two people is not made over night... But I also think there are key moments in any relationship, from friends, lovers, co-workers, whatever; that a decision is made by one or more of the parties that may seem trivial at that moment. from as simple as "oh I don't need to tell person X about this thing, because they wouldn't care" to something more serious like "well the reaction I got when I shared what was on my mind was not plesent, so I will just not share anymore" the fact is that once a decision like that is made, the relationship changes. maybe for the good in the short term, but more than likely for the bad in the long run.

I don't pretend to believe that there is a perfect relationship. I think that every relationship has its ups and downs. the trouble that I have is that I don't know when a relationship becomes wrong, or at what point after meeting someone that it becomes right. I have to admit, that lately I have enjoyed sitting at home alone usually in the dark. When I am not working, I have taken to enjoying some TV or just sitting in the dark and listening to music.

I know that I work to much, I took this weekend to relax a little. unfortunately I was also fairly stressed out for a good part of it. I wish that I could have actually got a few more things done. but I really think that I needed to relax this weekend. I also think that I need to take a little step back this week. I know that I am going to be super busy at work. but I really need to step back and relax take some time for me and the stuff I have been putting off.

goals

today, I am thinking about goals.. I think that I have met most of the goals that I was looking to accomplish at least the short term ones, and even a couple of the more long term ones. I think that it is now time for me to set some more longer term goals, I think that it is time for to think of ways to keep those goals in focus. I often think that I can't do something on my own, that I need someone to help be do something. I believe that it is time for me to leave reminders of why I need to accomplish the goals that I set for myself.

at the top of my list, as it has been for a while is getting my weight under control. I think that today I will go and buy a scale and take pictures of myself as a Before page, I will then set weekly goals for myself and write notes put them on the computer and in my wallet, so that I remember why I am doing this... once I can prove to myself that I can keep up with this, I think that I will cancel TV and get a gym member ship, see if I can go every day before work... even if it is just to do a little crdio.. I would like to get my energy levels up and get my weitgh to a more healthy level... as part of this I am going to have to train myself how to eat healthy food, this will include vegetables. I believe this will be the hardest part for me... i also believe that if I don't do this for myself I think that I will never really be able to make it to a place where I am happy with how I look... I don't want to be a body builder or to be perfect.... but I do want to look in the mirror and think, ya I don't look to bad... instead of avoiding mirrors at all costs...

I will have to post actual goals today, once I have a scale, and what i think I can acomplish. maybe 5 lbs the first 2 weeks, and then 5 each week after that till I reach a goal weight, and then adjust the goals.