friday morning fear

So, last night I posted about how I was feeling. at least I started the process, since if got hung up I had to re-post this morning. I re-read what I wrote last night, and I realize that I don't really feel better today. This is not a good sign for me, usually I can step back from a situation and calm down and think about it rationally. This time that did not happen. I think it might have to do with the fact that when I attempted to step away from the conversation I was pulled back in and felt forced to continue after I knew it was no longer productive. I know better than that, wish I would have listened to myself.

So now I have to wonder, will I carry this through the day? or will I be able to shake it. I am hoping I can shake it, but also not going to count on that. I just wanted to post a short message to myself so that I could come back and notice later that this is how I feel.

Pain

Websters Dictionary defines pain as A symptom of some physical hurt or disorder, Emotional distress; a fundamental feeling that people try to avoid.

I think that this is a good start to the definition, but I would also like to add, that physical pain I and most people can deal with. It is something that happens and you just have to endure it until it is gone. Mental pain on the other hand is something far more difficult. there is not rules for when or how it starts, or for how long it will last. many times it will sneak up on someone and leave them totally disabled and unable to function.

This is how I feel tonight. Not ready to hurt like this, unprepared to "deal with it" I am left staring at the ceiling, only able to ask "why?". Today after work I fly to visit grandma, and see the family. I am hoping that this will be an escape and not a reminder of the past. So much of the past. So much tied together. even thought I know its is the worst thing I could do, I really just want to go hide somewhere till it all passes me by. I know that I have to face this, that I have to deal with the issues that are in front of me, that doesn't change the fact that I don't want to....