Things happen for a reason

Yesterday was bad, in fact, I put wrote the lyrics of a song that played as I laid down last night in a blog message. ya... yesterday was bad. I have had so many random thoughts lately. To me it often seems like when I am at my most lost, when I am at my most confused. Something happens to pull me out of it. I would like to think it has much to do with the promise I made oh so many years ago now, in that tiny room, on that twin bed. (as Sash stay comes on the ipod.... Dam Ipod) The promise that I would never again make it to that point that I did that night, the darkest most evil place I have ever been. When there was only one person on the planet that could have saved me, who did save me. Through all the BS, all the tears, all the happiness. This one truth will always remain. I would not be standing here as I am now, if I had not had that hand to reach out to in my absolute darkest hour.

Yesterday I made it through the day, and was able to pass out and wake up with the attitude of "Today has to be better, it cannot even be the same, it MUST be better" I have had many fears about the thoughts and feelings that I have been having, that I am slipping back into a "we will see what happenes mentality" I had been thinking I could not let this happen, but felt guilty about everything that was wrapped up in that. About 20 minutes ago, I got the sign that I had been looking for. That my decisions to move forward, that I needed to pick myself up and make things better on my own was the correct decision, it was the way back to the "right path"

I am still very much broken, I have made considerable progress in the last few months, but in all reality there are still goals I need to reach. Things that I need to accomplish. I need to finish finding me. Being happy with who I am, before I can think about anything else.

if you were a color...

Ocassional you will hear jokes about this, touchy feel questions like, if you were a color what color would you be and why? if you could be any inanimate objeect what would it be. Describe your world in smells. I like to listen to really classic music and think about these questions. or like "why are we here? what is the meaning of life?" Usually I come up with answers to these types of questions for myself, the issue is that I can't ever tell anyone about the answers for fear of ridicule. That almost makes me want to cry writing that down.

Full if so much thought and opinion, how the world works, what makes people tick. So much fear to share any of these things. I already have issues with people understanding me, this is only somthing that would complicate the issue. I like to think that I am a really simple person, but any time I stop to think about it, I realize just how complex I really am. how "DIFRNT", labeled the freak for so many years and letting myself believe that, and even bo ok with it. Making the same mean comments about myself that others would make, in an effort to "laugh at myself before others could" at least that is how I justified it. Makes me want to hide from people, to just be on my own and not interact, but I force myself to be out there, to interact to communicate, No matter how much I may not want to, I know that it is nessaray for my servival, and my sanity.

When I pull away from people for long periods of time, I become very dark, and extreamly hard on my self about everything. I can look back now and see how it happens, and how it happened. even now its so easy for me to justify all these things, and even give myself reasons why that is better than being an active part of the world. I know that this is somthing that I will always battle, somthing that will always be one of my demons, one that I must be aware of all the time, no matter how tired I get. I wish I was stonger, I wish I was the person I would like to think I was. I wish I could not hurt the people that mean the most to be because of my fear......

I wish...