<% Function showtwitter() On Error Resume next howmannyposts = 7 url = "http://twitter.com/statuses/user_timeline/15436552.rss" set xmlhttp = CreateObject("MSXML2.ServerXMLHTTP") xmlhttp.open "GET", url, False xmlhttp.send "" myvar = xmlhttp.responseText myvar2 = split(myvar, "") myvar3 = split(myvar2(1), "", -1, 1) myjoin = Join(myvar3, VbCrLf) myvar3 = Split(myjoin, "tazicus:") myubound = ubound(myvar3) myuboundreal = myubound If myubound > howmannyposts Then myubound = howmannyposts counter = 1 loopcounter = 1 Do Until loopcounter = myubound myloopvar = Split(myvar3(counter), "<description>") mydatevar = Split(myvar3(counter), "<pubDate>") mydatevar1 = Split(mydatevar(1), "</pubDate>") mydate = mydatevar1(0) myloopvar1 = Split(myloopvar(1), "</description>") mymessage = Split(myloopvar1(0), "tazicus:") mymessagetemp = mymessage(1) mysplitdate = Split(mydate, " ") workingtime = mysplitdate(4) myyear=mysplitdate(3) mymonth=mysplitdate(2) myday=mysplitdate(1) If mymonth = "Jan" Then mymonth = 1 End If If mymonth = "Feb" Then mymonth = 2 End If If mymonth = "Mar" Then mymonth = 3 End If If mymonth = "Apr" Then mymonth = 4 end if If mymonth = "May" Then mymonth = 5 end if If mymonth = "Jun" Then mymonth = 6 end if If mymonth = "Jul" Then mymonth = 7 end if If mymonth = "Aug" Then mymonth = 8 end if If mymonth = "Sep" Then mymonth = 9 end if If mymonth = "Oct" Then mymonth = 10 end if If mymonth = "Nov" Then mymonth = 11 end if If mymonth = "Dec" Then mymonth = 12 end if mydate = mymonth & "/" & myday & "/" & myyear & " " & workingtime mydate = CDate(mydate) mydate = mydate - .29166666 mydiff = DateDiff("d", mydate, now()) If mydiff > .9 Then mydiff = mydiff & " days ago" Else mydiff = DateDiff("h", mydate, now()) If mydiff > .9 Then mydiff = mydiff & " Hours ago" Else mydiff = DateDiff("n", mydate, now()) If mydiff > .9 Then mydiff = mydiff & " Minutes ago" Else mydiff = DateDiff("s", mydate, now()) If mydiff > .9 Then mydiff = mydiff & " Seconds ago" End If End If End If End If mytestmessage = split(mymessage(1), "http") myubound1 = ubound(mytestmessage) if left(mytestmessage(0), 2) <> " @" then if myubound1 > 0 then myvariable = myvariable & mytestmessage(0) & " <a href=" &Chr(34) & "http"& mytestmessage(1) & Chr(34) & ">http"&mytestmessage(1) & "</a>"& "<br>" & mydiff & "<br><br>" else myvariable = myvariable & mytestmessage(0) & "<br>" & mydiff & "<br><br>" end if loopcounter = loopcounter + 1 else End if counter = counter + 1 Loop Response.Write myvariable End Function %> <html xmlns="http://www.w3.org/1999/xhtml" xml:lang="en" lang="en" dir="ltr"> <head> <title>Dave, a self portrait in words

Wednesday, April 7, 2010

Simpely being loved

Listening to a dance song, its title "Simply Being Loved" thought about about that for a minute, as I was listening. seems simple. Being loved.... So many people... myself included... find it such a difficult thing. To be loved that is. I have spent many hours thinking about the how's and why's that is the case, I seem to always come back to I just don't know.



Its not that I have never felt that I have been loved, because I have. Maybe its a self worth thing, maybe its just because of how I see my self, maybe it has to do with experiences I have had in my childhood.



I wonder how many other people in the world also feel the way I do, either consciously or unconsciously. my bet is far more than one might think at the surface of the thought.



The simple feeling of being loved. Are we afraid of the hurt that may come if that love were to go away? Logically I can think about it and know that it is part of the process. that has never made it any easier. As humans we seem intent on hurting each other mentally or physically in order to make ourselves feel somehow better, bigger, stronger.



Sad, how much better the world could be if everyone took that same energy and used it to help others, to make them feel better about themselves, to encourage them. Many times I have wished that I did not have thoughts like this. Seems like it would be so much easier to go through life with no thoughts or feelings of my own.



It does not take much for me to feel the pain that someone goes through, to picture how they see the world, how they feel about the things that surround them. Sometimes it is very much a blessing, more and more lately... it is really hard to see, and feel what people go through on a day to day basis, and not try and think of some way I can make it better. Just one person, and I can't save the world. That does not mean that I don't want to, that I don't want to make things better for everyone, especially those I care the most about.



" So little time so little time to work it on out, I feel I'm stumbling in the dark. I praying for love, love love.. is more than enough.. simply being loved loved loved, is more than enough"



I think I would have to agree.....

-D

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Tuesday, July 7, 2009

How Lucky am I.

Quote from a movie:

"do I love him? I adore him, hes my comfortable afgan, hes all I can think about, everything he is. everythign he says. everythign he does, to me, for me, with me, sweet kisses, he makes up for all the greif and pain I have ever had. in the dark of the night he is there."

How lucky am I to have gotten the chance to experience this. With so much pain and hate in the world. To know that it is possible, to find somthing so good, so wonderfull. Somthing that totally overpowers all the crap, and makes it not matter. I have also learned, that I can continue to love those people that mean the most to me, even if things have changed, and they may not feel the same.

This is enough to find the motivation to now move on, on my own, stronger, and ready for the next wonderful thing to come into my life.

Everything happens for a reason

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Friday, February 13, 2009

my arms

heard an original version of this, a slow version of this. Heard the words.... I cried... i smiled... I felt sad, and I felt happy... Safe in my arms... one the few things that I really feel like I can offer someone... to quote a movie that seems to fit...

" They look like big, good, strong hands. Don't they? I always thought that's what they were, but I couldn't hold on to them. they were pulled right out of my hands. I failed. "

Plumb In my arms

your baby blues
so full of wonder
your curley cues
your contageous smile
and as i watch
you start to grow up
all I can do is hold you tight

knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

story books full of fairy tales
kings and queens and the bluest skies
My heart is torn just in knowing
you'll someday see the truth from lies

knowing clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

Castles they might crumble
dreams may not come true
but you are never all alone
because I will always
always love you

clouds will raise up
storms will race in
but you will be safe in my arms
rains will pour down
waves will crash all around
but you will be safe in my arms

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Thursday, September 25, 2008

bed time

ya I said it, and yes it is 8:30. just laying in bed thinking about everything that has happend, and hoping that the new hurt is over, that no matter what the decision, we can move on, and live life again.... I am sending out every ounce of positive, happy, loving energy out to you both.

I am hoping we can all be ok moving forward.... positive thoughts, positive energy, positive actions.... I love you guys....

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Thursday, January 10, 2008

Time alone

so I have had time to spend alone lately. So far I think its been good for me. I look forward to the changes coming in the next month or so. getting a chance to start over with alot of things. a chance to make changes for me. I have actually started mapping out steps, and I think I will post them here once a few more things fall into place. I want this year 2008 to be the year that I fix the last of what has been broken with me for so long. I would love to see 200 lbs again. I would really like to start trying new foods that I in the past have not liked. I would like to have 2 cars in the garage that I can actually drive. To have a yard that I don't have to be embarrased about (no comments from anyone who says "Your yard is just fine"). I would also like to take the time to decorate the inside of my house and make it more than just plain walls.

These are the highlights. details will come in the following weeks.

I think I can smile again, and if not now, then soon. for no reason. I remember those days, that I was just happy. it bugs me how I can slip into places where I have to think about smiling.

soon I think. soon I will be back there. I really look forward to being home again.

*smiling* now, and not having to think about it. just need to make that a more often thing now

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Tuesday, August 14, 2007

More Thoughts and feelings

This is a post I have been thinking about a while now... not even sure where to start... I have been thinking a lot about what I want.. and even more about what I don't want. What I don't want is to get into a situation like I was in the past, and when I say that what I mean is.. I don't want to be in a situation where I am afraid to say what is on my mind.. I don't want to be afraid to be who I am.

To be fair, I also don't want whoever I am in a relationship with, to have any of these fears. On that same line of thought, I also want the relationship I am in to be balanced in a way that we both agree on. In the past this was something I had a different opinion on.. I was looking for a complete balance of power between me and who I was with.... Now what I think I am looking for is a balance that is agreed on by me and the person I am in the relationship with.

I have been thinking about my past, and the relationships I have been in.. the highs, the lows, the mistakes, the lessons I have learned... i look at relationships others are in, and have been in. from all these things, I am trying to gather what is right for me and what is not. what I want and what I don't. what decisions I am going to make about future relationships.

I think a lot about the possibilities that I have before me... right now... the different directions I could take my life right now, the things I have already done... how far I have come, vs how far I may have to go to be where I want to be in my life... I feel I have to weigh the choices, and what each if them mean...

becasue I don't feel like I have all of the answers yet, I have chosen to work on the ME issues first. I want to loose a little weight, I want to be more active, I want to work a more normal schedule until I can make this business thing work. I want to get my teeth fixed... thats a big one... this is what I am going to try working on for the next several weeks to see if I can make progress on... I do feel like I have a better Idea of the decisions I need to make in the near future. 1. they make me smile and 2. I think I am better equipped for the decisions I need to make... this also makes me smile.

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Tuesday, July 10, 2007

Speachless

So there was a lot of emotion, thoughts, feelings over the last couple days. At least there was for me. L and I had a pretty significant fight over the weekend on the 6th as a matter of fact. a lot of things were said.. I left the conversation thinking that I had truly lost the best friend I had ever had. I cried, I thought, I retreated into the darkest parts of my mind... accompanied only by my music... I was very afraid of what might come next, where things would go from that point... I was so so upset about the whole thing..

then today. I get a picture message from him, of the giz. with text that simply said, "Gizz wanted me to send this to you"...

I have to say that simple gesture brought a tear to my eye, the reason why doesn't really matter. Just that it did. I responded trying to convey my feelings without being to wordy..... and then it happened, he responded with a message that I had absolutely no response for, that struck me totally speechless.

Since then, I have thought about everything again. about all the things that have happened to me, that I have experienced. I find myself wondering again if the choices I made were the right ones, if there was any other way to accomplish what I needed to accomplish without these decisions... I do have to say that I mis my friend, and as much as people have told me it will, it has not gotten any easier. to be honest I am not sure if I want it to get any easier.

well I am rambling so I think I will stop there.

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Tuesday, July 3, 2007

What is Love

it seems to me that there are many things that are attached to the word love, espically when it comes to a relationship. I thought about this word when contenplating my last relationship and how it didn't seem to be "enough" like one word or feeling was the reason why things did not end up working out...

Now I find myself thinking with a new relationship when is the apropiate time to start using that word to describe it, or even what "love" signifies. At several points being afraid of saying it or the word itself.... SERIOUSLY.... its just a friggen word... I think that there is so much more to a relationsiop... any relationship than one word.

I wonder if sometimes that I think about stuff to much try to put meaning to things that may not be ment to have meaning.

Its odd for me to push so hard for so long, for somthing I just knew in my soul was right. Always seeming like I was just out of reach of my goal, and feeling like I could almost touch it. Reaching a point where I started to doubt that I was striving for the right goal. FInally reaching a point where I was pretty sure that it was not the right goal, then stopping the chase, I stopped pushing, and watched what had I been chasing move further and further away.... Then looking to my right only to see the things I thought I had been chasing, standing next to me. not moving away, but just there, smileing...

That of course, scared me to death, so I took several steps the oppisite direction. Each time being followed. After a short time, I decided to see if what I was experiencing was real. Since then I have been convinced every step of the way how real it really is. I make no promises or guesses as to where this will lead, but I do know that I am willing to at least see what direction it goes, no longer pushing or chaseing but walking step for step into the future.

I know none of the above made a whole lot of sence, but it is really how I see things when I close my eyes and think about them. I thought I would just write a little excerpt from the randomness of my mind.

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Tuesday, June 26, 2007

life update.

just back from lunch, today is one of those days where several seemingly random things come together, and when you stop... take a step back.. and look you see how things are connected, how things that seem random really arn't. to paraphrase a movie that I enjoy... sometimes life seems like a mass of dots.. but from another perspective, life, everything even death, makes sence. its not just dots... instead we are all connected, and its beautiful and its funny and its good..... from this close we can't expect it to make sence.... right now.....

I had a on-line conversation with my friend kristina today... I have noticed that when we have a serious talk about somthing she can put things into such utter clarity in such simple words... she said "whatever happens will happen. But you smile and light up when you talk about him in ways you didn't in the past. That speaks volumes, the smile, the change in your tone of voice, your eyes widen. Its different, its good to see." I read that statement several times, it is somthing I have heard more than once now... but it wasn't until I read it that things started to fall into place. I told someone at one point that it was like when I was at the lowest part of my life I said... "this is what I need" and the universe was listening, and cam dropped into my life. Yes things are not perfect, and the timing could have been better, but who am I to not at least see where this goes, all my doubt and excuses. Well they were just that, doubt and excuses. I am trying very hard to not jump from one relationship to another, but at the same point I don't want to convince myself that I don't deserve this or worse yet that I don't deserve to be happy.
its very strange to look at the future now and see a haze now, but also to smile at the unknown, knowing that there is no limit to what could be... what is out there yet to be uncoverd for me... So many things I have not done that I want to... I smile just knowing that I feel control again for the direction that my life is going...

L came over last night and for the first time when he left, I didn't feel like I have made the wrong decision, that the choices I made were the best choices that I could have made with the information that I had at the time. I hope he figures out what he needs in his life and he finds a way to attain that and all the happienes he could ever desire. I also hope that I do not lose him as a friend... With some of the conversations we have had, I think it is a distinct possibility that we could grow out of each others lives, no matter how hard we might try not to. That thought makes me want to cry every time it crosses my mind... Kristina and I talked about this today as well. she put it into a analogy that made alot of sence to me... she said, "do you remember when you were a kid and you were putting together a puzzle, and there was that piece that you wanted to fit into a certin place, and no matter how hard you pushed it didn't fit there. but it fit very nicely in another area?" This is how it has always been with L and I. there was always somthing about us that just didn't fit as a couple... no mater how much we were alike in some ways, there were fundamental differences that made us our own person. these differences also made us not quite fit in this situation.

on an adverage day, I will sit here at my desk working with my music on random. and it amazes me how I will start to think about somthing, and a song will come on that has memories attached to it regarding the same thought. Music is SUCH a huge thing for me. I can cry, I can laugh, I can remoniss, or I can smile. so many beautiful memories in my life, so many tears shed. So much love, so much heartbreak. All of which makes me who I am today, someone who I never would have thought I could be when I was leaving home for the first time. Stong successfull, happy loving, caring, warm.

And the best is yet to come.

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Thursday, June 14, 2007

content and yet conflicted

I have noticed the last week or so has been really good for me, with the trip to LA and some talks I have had with loren, and cam it seems like my life is moving forward.. I went for my walk today, after getting my headphones back from erich day before yesterday I believe. I thought about everything in my life, the good the bad and the stuff that I just don't know about... More than anything I really wish there were more hours in the day. I considered taking today as a "work from home" day, but since my laptop was at work I thought better of it. I am going to try over the next weeks to actually work a normal schedule. I am going to try and rap things up and be out of here by 4, and go home. There is so much I need to do there.. its like it never ends, if I keep putting it off its never going to get done. I think I have decided to leave here at 9 today and go get some things done.

On the conflicted side of things, I feel like I need to just be on my own for a while, but at the same time I really enjoy my time with cam. There are so many things going through my mind right now, its hard to put them all down in writing. When I close my eyes, I can see so many places where he could fit into my life, but I am also very afraid that there are areas that will be difficult for me to share with him. That one thought alone hurts me so much. I hate even the thought of not being able to share somthing about me with someone I care about whoever that person is. If I decide that this is the direction that I want to go, it will require some difficult changes, changes that I am not sure I am strong enough to hold to... I will have to think about this more and do some more writing...

I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to get done after work yesterday, several of them did not happen in the order that I thought they would, and then when I did finally get home I cleaned out the pool tested chemicals, came in the house layed down and could not phisically will myself to get back up and finish what I needed to finish.. so I layed there and by 8pm I was out cold..

I woke up today feeling refreshed, I took a shower threw on some cloths and went for my walk. when I got back I noticed cam had sent me a txt at like 9:30 last night asking if I had gotten everything done that I needed to... since my phone was not on scilent I must have really been out of it. guess I needed it.

I spend some time this morning orginizing my life, lining things up so that I will remember to pay bills and what their due dates are. I checked my power bill today, this is the first full bill, I was happy to see that it was 130$ I just need to go and adjust my cable bill today so that I can get rid of all the extra junk that is on it. then it should be less than 100$ a month that will help too I think... I am wondering how long I can keep up the power bill, should be interesting... to see what happens when I can't use the evaporative cooler anymore.. time will tell I suppose...

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