Speachless

So there was a lot of emotion, thoughts, feelings over the last couple days. At least there was for me. L and I had a pretty significant fight over the weekend on the 6th as a matter of fact. a lot of things were said.. I left the conversation thinking that I had truly lost the best friend I had ever had. I cried, I thought, I retreated into the darkest parts of my mind... accompanied only by my music... I was very afraid of what might come next, where things would go from that point... I was so so upset about the whole thing..

then today. I get a picture message from him, of the giz. with text that simply said, "Gizz wanted me to send this to you"...

I have to say that simple gesture brought a tear to my eye, the reason why doesn't really matter. Just that it did. I responded trying to convey my feelings without being to wordy..... and then it happened, he responded with a message that I had absolutely no response for, that struck me totally speechless.

Since then, I have thought about everything again. about all the things that have happened to me, that I have experienced. I find myself wondering again if the choices I made were the right ones, if there was any other way to accomplish what I needed to accomplish without these decisions... I do have to say that I mis my friend, and as much as people have told me it will, it has not gotten any easier. to be honest I am not sure if I want it to get any easier.

well I am rambling so I think I will stop there.

content and yet conflicted

I have noticed the last week or so has been really good for me, with the trip to LA and some talks I have had with loren, and cam it seems like my life is moving forward.. I went for my walk today, after getting my headphones back from erich day before yesterday I believe. I thought about everything in my life, the good the bad and the stuff that I just don't know about... More than anything I really wish there were more hours in the day. I considered taking today as a "work from home" day, but since my laptop was at work I thought better of it. I am going to try over the next weeks to actually work a normal schedule. I am going to try and rap things up and be out of here by 4, and go home. There is so much I need to do there.. its like it never ends, if I keep putting it off its never going to get done. I think I have decided to leave here at 9 today and go get some things done.

On the conflicted side of things, I feel like I need to just be on my own for a while, but at the same time I really enjoy my time with cam. There are so many things going through my mind right now, its hard to put them all down in writing. When I close my eyes, I can see so many places where he could fit into my life, but I am also very afraid that there are areas that will be difficult for me to share with him. That one thought alone hurts me so much. I hate even the thought of not being able to share somthing about me with someone I care about whoever that person is. If I decide that this is the direction that I want to go, it will require some difficult changes, changes that I am not sure I am strong enough to hold to... I will have to think about this more and do some more writing...

I had a bunch of stuff I wanted to get done after work yesterday, several of them did not happen in the order that I thought they would, and then when I did finally get home I cleaned out the pool tested chemicals, came in the house layed down and could not phisically will myself to get back up and finish what I needed to finish.. so I layed there and by 8pm I was out cold..

I woke up today feeling refreshed, I took a shower threw on some cloths and went for my walk. when I got back I noticed cam had sent me a txt at like 9:30 last night asking if I had gotten everything done that I needed to... since my phone was not on scilent I must have really been out of it. guess I needed it.

I spend some time this morning orginizing my life, lining things up so that I will remember to pay bills and what their due dates are. I checked my power bill today, this is the first full bill, I was happy to see that it was 130$ I just need to go and adjust my cable bill today so that I can get rid of all the extra junk that is on it. then it should be less than 100$ a month that will help too I think... I am wondering how long I can keep up the power bill, should be interesting... to see what happens when I can't use the evaporative cooler anymore.. time will tell I suppose...