I originally wrote this post while I was laying in bed half awake... I have decided that I wanted to re-word it.
Tonight i was talking to a good friend of mine... As we exchanged txt messages... He made a remark about my life being better recently.. My response was that I thought it was better because I had taken the time to make it better.. That I had been using this, "To get me through" losing a major part of my life, or at least that's what I told myself. Once I read this message that I had typed I started to think... Maybe this was not coping at all, maybe this was Avoiding the issue of what I was feeling and what was now missing in my life. I think that this small fact alone may have caused pain for other people that I had let into my life at that time. That really upsets me. I hate the thought that I may have caused another person to hurt. Most times I put on a pretty good front as being not phased by things. The reality is that this is my defensive reaction, That it is better to appear strong then allow someone to see what I am really feeling.
There are clearly some things that I need to change in my life. I am not sure how comfortable I am putting them here, but I do know that I would like to document them somewhere and start making some progress... there never seems to be enough hours in the day. perhaps some priority on things as well, maybe even planning out the day with time slots for some of this stuff, get into a routine to make it easier.
I know that everything is changing these days. I am both excited and afraid. I sill look forward in life with hope and a smile. but also with a bit of anxiety.
I am pretty tired now.. Perhaps more tomarrow.
Labels: feelings, in bed, the future, thoughts
