On the plane

So here I am sitting on the plane.. I can't sleep so I am thinking. As I did my thoughts drifted, first of things I could have done if I-5 was not closed. I could have stayed the extra day and visited my friends in portland. Then my thoughts drifted to driving down the oregon coast, and the past... This of course lead me to thoughts of the past and of L.

I think about him more than I let on. Definatly more than I post about here. I think I am afraid. Afraid what thoughts of him lead to. Seems silly when I actually think about it. So much of who I am is tied to him. We have been in each others lives for a long time.

Through all the times we hurt each other and all the dark stuff, there is somthing wonderfull to counter it, to tell the truth, those are what I remember most. I choose to let the bad fade and hold tight on the things that make me smile, that make me feel warm and fuzzie. All the stuff no one but he and I saw. I think that is what made it so hard.

People from the outside would see things that were on the surface. They never got to see the tender moments, I think this is one of the things that I resent. I understand it, but I resent the fact that I could never prove to people how wonderful I thought he was. After a while I stopped trying to correct people. I stopped looking for ways prove it. Eventually I think I stopped believing it myself. Thinking that if he couldn't be open enough to let people see, that maybe I was the one that was pretending and living in the fairy tail.

I try so hard not to have regrets, but these last couple of months there have been a lot of mistakes. Things that will be hard not to regret for the rest of my life. Things I could never imagine doing, and yet here I am staring them directly in the face.

Tomarrow is a new day.. A day to start fresh..

Speachless

So there was a lot of emotion, thoughts, feelings over the last couple days. At least there was for me. L and I had a pretty significant fight over the weekend on the 6th as a matter of fact. a lot of things were said.. I left the conversation thinking that I had truly lost the best friend I had ever had. I cried, I thought, I retreated into the darkest parts of my mind... accompanied only by my music... I was very afraid of what might come next, where things would go from that point... I was so so upset about the whole thing..

then today. I get a picture message from him, of the giz. with text that simply said, "Gizz wanted me to send this to you"...

I have to say that simple gesture brought a tear to my eye, the reason why doesn't really matter. Just that it did. I responded trying to convey my feelings without being to wordy..... and then it happened, he responded with a message that I had absolutely no response for, that struck me totally speechless.

Since then, I have thought about everything again. about all the things that have happened to me, that I have experienced. I find myself wondering again if the choices I made were the right ones, if there was any other way to accomplish what I needed to accomplish without these decisions... I do have to say that I mis my friend, and as much as people have told me it will, it has not gotten any easier. to be honest I am not sure if I want it to get any easier.

well I am rambling so I think I will stop there.