numb

when I started thinking about his post, I wanted to say that I just didn't care, thats not really true though. Its more than I am just numb. I have seen things recently that I never thought I would see, I have experienced things that I never thought I would or could experiece, I have come through the other side, and here I am. At some point I am sure I will think that I am better for it, that the experience has made me better in some way, but for now... I am just numb, right now

Going to SF tomarrow, wish I could say that I was looking forward to it. At lease it will be nice to get away for a while, my co-worker is a really good time to hang out with, and she said that we HAVE to go ut at least one night we are there. so I guess we will see.

I still hope that the next wonderful chapter in my life is just around the corner, I just wish that I could skip this particular part. My thoughts are on my family, I hope and prey that my dad comes around, my friends I hope they are all finding happieness, the world, I hope that things turn around, and hope returns to a world that has become mired in negativity and unhappieness.

lost in my head

sometimes its not possible to see the way things will work out. sometimes things happen that take your breath away, that knock the wind out of your sails. but even at these times, there can be clarity, there can be explanations for things that didn't quite seem to make sense. Sometimes when you stop asking why is when you get your answer.

Tonight I hurt, seeing now more of the picture. Its hard to see how this could be ok again, but also knowing that its not something I have control over, I might be able to set some rough direction but I will not be able to see how this will be ok, it will just be one day. it is my job to hold myself together until it does, *irony* "to be strong" (seemed so easy before now) until enough time passes, until I have reached that higher ground.

one step at a time, one moment at a time. learn from these lessons, try to stay as open as possible. see the good in everything, remember that wonder of the world that I used to be so good at.

I wish it could be different, it can't, not right now. but I truly wish that it could he, and I am truly sorry for the decisions that I made. but all I can do is learn from those and not make the same mistakes again.

friday morning fear

So, last night I posted about how I was feeling. at least I started the process, since if got hung up I had to re-post this morning. I re-read what I wrote last night, and I realize that I don't really feel better today. This is not a good sign for me, usually I can step back from a situation and calm down and think about it rationally. This time that did not happen. I think it might have to do with the fact that when I attempted to step away from the conversation I was pulled back in and felt forced to continue after I knew it was no longer productive. I know better than that, wish I would have listened to myself.

So now I have to wonder, will I carry this through the day? or will I be able to shake it. I am hoping I can shake it, but also not going to count on that. I just wanted to post a short message to myself so that I could come back and notice later that this is how I feel.

Why?

Sometimes I wonder why I do things that I know are not going to work. Why I trust that things could be different this time around. This time I am talking about open communication about what I am thinking. I have known for many years that the way I think doesn't always make sense. I do know that each time I have tried to have open free flowing communication bad things end up happening, its probably my fault I have so many things that are broken about me.

Tonight I feel like I am just tired.. Tired of trying to explain how I work, trying to find someone who can understand me. I feel lost, my emotion has deceived me, my trust in myself misplaced.

I am laying here in the dark listing to a track from a play I recently saw... Tears streaming down my face. Music, my mistress, Always there when I need it, to illustrate a point, to make me smile, to let me cry. It reminds me how small I am in this world, and also how connected I can be to another person.

Gonna be a long week.

thoughts....

laying here in the dark not knowing what to do, I find myself taking some of my own advice and putting the eletronic pen to paper. As a people we have alot of different kinds of relationships in a life time. Friends, lovers, realitives, co-workers, just common aquantances. Each of these relationships has their own set of rules that they tend to follow, nothing that may be set as formal rules, but rules none the less. you would not sleep with a realitive, and you would not invite a common aquantiance to a family gathering for example... I have said for a long time now that a relationship is defined by the people who participate in it.

Tonight I find myself thinking about what happens when a relationship moves outside the definition that they people who are participatants have given to it. Are there given consiquences? should there be? or like the relationship should it be worked out by those same people who are the participatants. This is an angle that I have not thought about until recently. I never even considered what would happen if the definition that was agreed upon by the people in it was violated. I can't even say why I never thought about it, I guess at the time it was a theory, somthing I had not tested, so I didn't have the experience to think about that angle. This is a different perspective for me. Thoughts like "for every action there is an equal and oppisite reaction" and "an eye for an eye" have crossed my mine when thinking about it. I think that the worst part is, once there is an agreement on what a relationship is and that is violated, can there still be trust? whats to say no matter how the rules for the relationship are changed, that they will be adhered to the second, third, or 37th time??

Today has been.... well it has just been.. I think that I will no longer have to work on B's Grand national, and furthermore if tonight is any indication, I will never have to speak to him again..... I really don't understand people. As much as I thought I might have, it is constently pointed out to me how clueless I really am. yet... no matter how many times I get kicked, or knocked down in life, I seem to keep standing up as if to almost say "AGAIN!".... leaves me wondering why sometimes... why do I keep trying?? I think that the best answer is in some of the things that I have written. That I truly believe that I never know what the next great thing is that might be just around the corner, that I try so very hard to remain positive about as many things as I can... no matter how hard it might be some time. Even through the times where I just want to crawl under a rock and hide... I don't... I try to stay out there, to smile, to be readdy for the next swing someone is going to take at me... To lead by example...

The more I think about it today was really backwards day, all the things I have been stressing about ended up really kinda nice today, and the things that I didn't or wasn't stressed out about all jumped up and attempted to taked a big bite out of me.

There is alot more that I have to say, this post it already to long and I need more time to sit and think anyway... I may post again about this.