late morning...

Fair warning. I have a lot to say in this post, not sure if I will get it all out but here goes..

Today started out rough... I forgot to plug in my phone, so my alarm did not go off, and when I woke up at 6:03 it felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders. the really odd part is I i can't even tell you what it was or why I was feeling that way. Extreme stress is the best way to put it. I could barely get out of bed to use the rest room. I came back to bed, layed down and couldn't move. I hurt all over, felt totally stressed out.

I convinced myself that it was all in my head and I needed to get up and use mind over matter, I needed to conquer this. I got up, and nearly fell back down again. refusing to let this control me, I sent a message to my friend eric from work, asking if he wanted to have breakfast, figuring if I had a goal I would not have a choice but to get up and do something. he of course responded yes (thank goodness) and I had my goal.

I got dressed, walked into the back yard to find the pool Crystal clear.. that made me happy as I have been having issues with the vacuum. I walked back into the house, closed up the blinds and extra doors in the house. walked into the living room saw my paperwork for my ticket that I got on the table and remembered that last night I had taken care of getting school scheduled, this also helped lift a little of the pressure. i put on my shoes, grabbed my i-pod, phone and keys and headed outside. I checked on my drip watering system and found a leak, fixed it and then headed off to work.

As I drove I started to feel a little better, very drained but a little better. I got to the breakfast spot and eric suggested we try a new place, which we did. it was not to far from where we normally had breakfast.. but it was cheaper and MUCH better. I steered clear of caffanated soda hoping to not aggervate the stress anymore, I told eric that I was feeling strung out, and I think that is the best term to describe it.

I am now at work and seriously considering going somewhere away from here to kinda unplug. still work.. just away from the normal stuff..

I really think alot of this has to do with what I wrote about last night.. both entries...

Dinner... thoughts.... emotion...

So I am just back from having dinner with Cam.. several interesting things happened surrounding this. I wrote about him having a b-day party. We had discussed doing something yesterday. I fell really drained when I got home and was watching a little house on the boob toob.. to be fair, I had TOTALLY forgot about letting him know I was home... we chatted a little over txt message until it was clear to me that there was a miss-communication. I called him and explained what I meant, and what I was thinking. I had this really weird feeling when I hung up and headed to the car. It was something that built all the way down to his place. anxioty is the best way I think I can describe it. I am not sure exactly what caused it or why. The last couple of times we had hung out, we talked and had a really good time, nothing like what I was feeling on the way there. I called him when I was getting close, and the feeling intensified exponentially. again. there was nothing clear that made any sense as to why. I am still trying to sort that part out actually.

I pulled up to the curb and he came out and as he approached the curb and opened the door, I was almost overwhelmed with all different kinds of emotion... he apologized for the confusion, I told him it was not a big deal. That Txt messages are like that some times.

As we drove I asked him where he wanted to eat, and he was not really sure. I drove rather aimlessly. he mentioned he would like a sub sandwich, that was not subway or quizno's so I started thinking. My mom called, I am not even sure why I answered the phone at that moment. usually I don't when I am having a conversation with someone. but we chatted for a little while. as we did I started to feel a little calmer. I hung up the phone, we thought some more about where to go.

For some reason I thought I would head up to cammelback and see what was there, thinking about it now I know that there are no sub shops on cammelback other than quizno's. I am not sure why but I felt compelled to get off the freeway at 24th street. as we drove North towards cammelback I continued to feel a little more calm and what I would call stable.

As we were driving, I saw something out of the corner of my eye... it was a place that was actually called Mr. Submarine... I found this kinda creepy... again... and I told cam about my previous experience.

we pulled in, both ordered meatball subs. he relayed to me that he thought he was craving one because of the last one we had at a place near where he lives now. I remembered and also remembered how good they were. we finished our food Which was actually really good and headed back.

We were on the freeway I yawned really big, shortly after I felt emotion FLOOD back. All kinds of emotion, and I could not describe any of it.. Moments later Cam Asked if I was just going to head home (I think this is when I started to put things together, I am still working on all of the meanings, but this is the moment I started to understand). I told him that I was exhausted, which I was. That I prolly whould head home yes, it was after 8pm and getting close to bed time.... I feel so old... THe emotion I was feeling intensified, and then calmed a little. we got back to his place, I puleld up along the curb. he mentioned that I prolly should not park there since that was close to the bus stop. I moved up to another spot away from the buss stop, and let out another huge yawn. This was followed by me feeling this emotion intenisify again, this time it was also mixed with a very warm feeling (somthing I would now classify as deep caring). followed by cam asking if I was gonna make it home safe, I said that I would, and that I just needed to get driving.

I started to drive home, and as I did, I started putting together the events of the evening, and this emotion I was feeling.

This is my theory. I Have always been someone who is VERY in-tune with the people around me, but I have also kept a safe distance with most people so that I did not get to wrapped up in what they were feeling. This also allowed me to stay ojective. This is something I have always prided myself on. being able to feel and understand what someone else is feeling, but being able to keep objective about it, I always told myself this allowed me to help people.

What I think is happening, as I spend time with cam, and because he is so intune with both what he is feeling and at least on some level what I am feeling, I am loosing my objectivity and feeling the raw emotion that both he and I are feeling. This might seem a little out there for most people.. but this is really what I think is happening. I will have to think about it more, and see what else I can come up with. but i needed to put this down tonight, so that it didn't bother me all night.

This is both a thought that makes me smile and scares the hell out of me at the same time. I don't have a clue what it means. I look forward to figuring out what it means though.