Today is my birthday... I look at my posts here, and see that it has been a long time since I have posted anything. I have started writing in these pages so many times over the last couple months, never making it to a point where I actually post anything. This place started as such a wonderful outlet for me to express my thoughts and feelings, but slowly, and over a great length of time it became closely monitored, criticized and cause turmoil in my life. This caused me to keep many more of my thoughts private. only posting small blurbs that could not be attacked or cause undue hurt. I didn't realize at the time how much that actually hurt, how much I missed posting on these pages.

so what now? I really don't know. I still feel like I cannot post things that I am actually thinking or feeling for fear of the fall out it would cause.

This is what I choose to post today. Hard to believe I have been around for as many years as I have. I look at my life, the mistakes and the triumphs, I have to smile. Things could be alot worse. Lately things have been alot better than I really could have hoped considering all that has been going on. I am feeling thigns again, things that I thought had long since died. I have hope for the future, combined with fear, which I believe is normal. I press on, knowing the future is unwritten and smile cause... right here... right now... I am happy. *smile*

-D