So many Downer posts.

I was just brousing through my posts, and realized.. I have to many painful hurt posts. I think I need to really work on posting more when I am happy. Like today... Today, I cried, but I am happy. Sometimes I work so hard to help the people I care about be happy, and now, I am happy to hear that someone I care about is happy and again enjoying their life.

In Life it is SO hard to keep in mind all the good things that have happened to us, it seems so easy to be hurt and remember only that. To feel the horrible feeling over and over agian. I have never really understood it, but it seem it happens to many people. I don't want to be one of those people. By nature I am... or at least I used to be optimistic about everything, finding happieness in the stupitest little thing.

I have found myself in a place where I have changed the basic parts of who I am, for reasons that I do not think are good ones. After making so many mistakes it seems so easy to stand at this place in my journey through life and think. "I am no good at this at all."

This week I have made a commitment to myself. I am going to do my very best to move forward from here, Concentrate on those parts of my life that need work, and one step at a time I am going to focus on making each day of my life a little better than the last.

Eventually I think that I could actually get to a point where I can look myself in the mirror and say, "I have done a good job fixing the broken pieces, and am happy with the direction I am now going." Putting so many things off, relying on to many people for things that I should be dealing with myself. It has been time to set a stake in the ground and say.. HERE... This is as far as I go, I am ready to start climbing out of this hole that I have put myself in.

I know, that I have started this before, and I have repaired some of the really broken stuff. Its time to figure out a way to keep on this track. To make it out of the hole and start back on the journey of life.

Passing thought

"Now the oak trees are swayin in the early autumn breeze the golden sun is shining on my face. Through the tangled thoughts I hear a mocking bird sing, This old world really ain't that bad a place."

No its not. It is so much better to remember all the laughs, the stolen kiss, the smile that says I understand, The tear that says "I may not be able to tell you right now, but I love you", non-verbal communication in all forms. I believe that if a picture is worth a thousand words, then a look, a smile, a touch, must be worth an entire library. Hurt will happen, tears will come, but with a simple act. A tear being wiped away, A smile, a hug, a kiss, a lick of the eye, a nibble of the hair. All the hurt and tears melt away, and your left disarmed, haveing no choice but to smile.

I will do my very best to look at all the good things in my life, now and in the future, all the happiness I have had... Is NOTHING compared to what I can make tomorrow be. There is not enough time to waste.

I send out these positive thoughts and energy into the universe, hoping they can help anyone who may need them. Know that there can be no dark without the light to cast those shadows. Remember that the best thing we have that fills the emptieness is each other, and though I do not know you, I love you, my brother, my sister, my friend, my neighbor on this planet.

Life and its timing

SO it seems that once again, life has interesting timing. Not more than 12 hours after I finally make the apointment for the Tattoo I have wanted for a long time now... I am reminded in full technicolor and Right in my face, what it means, and why I am getting it.

its his time agian, not forever, but for now, its time for him to play his role and to keep me protected and out from under the things that want to crush me. I know that I will live, that I will move past the part.

Things made more difficult for no good reason, make me sad.

Ugly evening

it is shaping up to be an ugly evening. I need to sleep, tomarrow
will be better.

At work listening to music

this came on the ipod, thought I would post it cause... well just because..

Hello again, it’s you and me
Kinda always like it used to be
Sippin' wine, killing time
Trying to solve life’s mysteries.
How’s your life, it’s been a while
God it’s good to see you smile
I see you reaching for your keys
Looking for a reason not to leave.

If you don’t know if you should stay
If you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just, breathe there’s no where else tonight we should be-
You wanna make a memory.

I dug up this old photograph
Look at all that hair we had
It’s bittersweet to hear you laugh
Your phone is ringing, I don’t wanna ask.

If you go now, I’ll understand
If you stay, hey, I got a plan
You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You could sing a melody to me
And I could write a couple lines
You wanna make a memory.

If you don’t know if you should stay
And you don’t say what’s on your mind
Baby just, breathe there’s no where else tonight we should be-
You wanna make a memory
You wanna steal a piece of time
You could sing a melody to me
And I could write a couple lines
You wanna make a memory
You wanna make a memory

waves of emotion

Sitting at my desk listening to a collection of carol of the bells of all things. Waves of emotion crashing over me, making me feel as though I could lose it at any moment. I believe this is a good sign that it may be time for me to go to bed.

flipping through music form the past, and the feelings attached to each song, each note. So many good memories, so many horrible hurtful memories. all part of what makes me... me..

Now crying... time for bed....

Another sleepless night

Another night of no sleep. So emotional, crying, stressed out. Tried
to let go today, do stuff for me and let the rest go. It just eats at
me, all the stuff that hurts, I can't seem to let go. I want to stop
hurting, to stop letting this stuff get to me. Maybe that means taking
isolation further.

I send a call out to universe, to anyone listening. I just want to
sleep tonight. Perhaps some alchol.