there are no words

there are no words that truly express how I am feeling, so lost, so much like a failure, ready for things to turn around. I want to be happy again, I want to stop hurting. its been a very very long day and I am ready for it to be over...

back at work

So here I am back at work, its weird to be back but in a good way I think. I hope I can keep occupied today. I think it would be bad if I can't. here is to keeping my fingers crossed.

things I cannot change

I know what makes me comfortable
And I know what makes me tick
And I when I need to get my way
I know how to pour it on thick
Cream and sugar in my coffee
Right away when I awake
I face the day, and pray to God
I won’t make the same mistakes

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Yeah I don’t know my father
Or my mother well enough
It seems like every time we talk
We can’t get passed the little stuff
The pain is self-inflicted
I know it’s not good for my health
Find More lyrics at www.sweetslyrics.com
But it’s easier to please the world
Then it is to please myself

All the rest is out of my hands
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

Well I know I can’t care about how everyone else really feels
I have enough hurt of my own to heal

I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to let go what I cannot change
I will learn to forgive what I cannot change
I will learn to love what I cannot change
But I will change, yeah I will change
Whatever I, whenever I can

as the sun sets

as the sun sets, and the day comes to an end, I am left pondering how it is that a day can start out one way and end the complete opposite. Tomorrow will be another day, and I look forward to it. My fear has subsided, and I have again found my peace, and my smile. Calm, centered, at peace with my life.

I commit to myself tonight to move forward from here, first for me, for my happiness, for trueness to myself and who I am. I will not pressure anyone if I can help it, for any reason. I will just be me, and let things outside of me happen. I will be here, ready for everything life has in store for me. No longer the victim, no longer the odd man out. Through example being the person that people enjoy being around, being known for my smile and positive attitude. That person missing for so long, is back and I personally have so missed him.

I am no one special just a common man with common thoughts, I have lead a common life there are no monuments dedicated to me and my name will soon be forgotten, but in one respect I have succeeded as gloriously as anyone who has ever lived. I have loved another with all my heart and for me that has always been enough

a positive update

so I have noticed it has been a long time since I have updated this. it seems to me that I don't write here unless things are bad, or I feel the need to complain/bitch, not when things are good. well lately, overall, things have been really good. This may be why I didn't write here. Fear of it ending, or fear of my happiness causing someone else to be upset or hurt. it really is the truth, the last 2 days I have had some very distinct fears, I think that fear is natural, and I hope that my fears are unfounded, and I have chosen to start talking about my fears instead of keeping them to myself.


the holidays were very good for me, filled with smiles and happiness, a few things that have been tough, but I have been very good keeping on the positive side of things, especially considering all the challenges that I have been given recently.


I again feel like I am at a transitional point in my life, i have been very satisfied with how the majority things have been going, there are exceptions of course but overall the direction I am going feels right. I feel that the next couple of weeks will either show a continuation of that, or will shake things up once again. if I look WAY forward, I see the potentially for the happiest times of my life, I will settle for nothing less. I will not wallow, I will not dwell in the sad things anymore, no matter what happens, I will be this person I have rediscovered, I refuse to go back, and I refuse to suffer by my own hand anymore.


I think about the past still, I think a lot about what might happen now, and in the future, I still have fears, but I cannot let them control me, I want so badly keep this person I am rediscovering, I can't let my fear drive me into hiding again, and I won't. I am no longer allowing myself to get swept up in the emotion of every little thing that comes up. There will always be times where I break down and cry over everything that has happened, especially in the last year. I feel that I have cried, been depressed enough. I know what I need, I have expressed what I need. I plan to do everything in my power to both hold onto what I need, and provide what the people who mean the most to me need as well, at least the best that I can without hurting myself anymore, I just can't do that anymore.