This is my life

this is my life, and I am responsible for not only the mistakes and the bad that happens to me, but also the good, the happy times the smiles. It is my responsibility to make sure I am happy, and do what I need to, in order to make me smile. it is not fair to expect anyone around me to MAKE me happy. that is something I have to do for my self.


Today is good, I see a future. I see smiles, love, joy, good memories, all waiting for me to reach out for them, open my eyes and see them. Today truly is the first day of the rest of my life, and I am gonna take it for all that it is worth..

I'm spinnin, I'm spinnin

Went to my first spinning class yesterday, which for those who don't know is basically an instruster lead stationary bike class. best word I can use to describe it is intense. I sweat more there than I may ever have. It was a good time and I think that I will go again, but WOW what a workout.

I think I have made some really good progress on my goal to lose a bunch of weight, I am now within 10 lbs of my initial goal, once I reach that I think I will set new goals of putting on some of the good kind of mass, I don't want to go crazy, but I want a little meat on my bones.

I think thats about it.

more later
-D

blog back up

some of you noticed that my blog went off-line for a little while. the reasons why don't really matter, and there are now a few recent posts missing. if I find the energy I will re-write them. The long and the short of it is this, I write here because it helps me. to figure out my thoughts, to know who I am, to remember and to release. If you don't like it.... Don't read it.

Thanks to those who reached out and talked to me about why it was down.. it is appreciated.

-D

hidden in plain sight

I often thought how interesting it was for something to hide in plain site, and even more interesting how someone like me who; lets face it kinda sticks out. Could blend into the background, almost not even be there. so much in just this thought. So much I can't quite put into words. So much emotion wrapped up in a really small statement.

I have done a lot of thinking about how much I share, to whom, and when. There are times, where I feel like it is just better to be there. To let someone enjoy being happy, enjoy the moment. No need to bing the crap I am dealing with up. there will be a time, to share, time to be open. Now is not that time, now is the time to smile and be happy for the people I care about, let them enjoy their moment. I know that people who care about me want to help. sometimes they just can't I don't know why this stuff comes over me, how could I expect anyone to understand? It passes and then I am better again. I think a lot of it comes from how much energy I spend when I am with people, I feel its my duty to make sure everyone has a good time. Right, wrong, or crazy, its just how I am.

Whats the answer? Whats the question? so much on my mind, I suppose I should go float in the pool and just think.. a little sensory deprivation...

No More Sad Songs

Random song that made me cry.

This is the way, That i state my independence, That i'm no longer connected to your memory. This is the day that i'm making my defection, that I claim back the affection that you stole from me. I used to hear your music so loud But its so low.
You're just another face in the crowd, I'm letting you know.

[Chorus:]
No more sad songs, I'm letting you go now, Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know, you turned out the light. I'm
gonna be alright when I... turn the radio off. No more sad songs.

These are the words to descibe all your offences. You said love in the past tense and then you let it go. Haven't you heard, Your are no longer respected, you are formally rejected from the one you hurt. I used to have the longing to hear
what was in your heart, But now it seems i'm over the fear of this falling apart.

[Chorus]

No more sad songs. I used to have the longing to hear what was in your heart, but now it seems i'm over the fear of this
falling apart.

No more sad songs, I'm letting it go now, Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know. No more sad songs, I'm letting it
go now, Switched off switched on, I'm letting you know. you turned out the light. I'm gonna be alright without... Turn your
radio off. No more sad songs. No more sad songs.
No more sad song, No more sad songs.

song during my workout.

Well I was movin at the speed of sound
Head spinnin couldn't find my way around, and
Didn't know that I was goin' down Yeahh, Yeahh
Where I been, well its all a blurr
What I was lookin' for, I'm not sure
Too late and didn't see it coming Yeahh,
Yeahh

Then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

Some how I couldn't stop myself
Just wanted to know how it felt
Too strong I couldn't hold on Yeahh, Yeahh
Now I'm just tryin to make some sense
Out of how and why this happened
Where were headed, there's just no knowin Yeahh, Yeahh

And then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

From your face, your eyes
are burning into me
You saved me, you gave me
Just what I need
ohh, just what I need

And then I crashed into you
and I went up in flames
Could've been the death of me
But then you breathed your breath in me
Then I crashed into you
like a runaway train
You will consume me
But, I can't walk away

Then I crashed into you (x5)
Like a runaway train
You will consume me
But I can't walk away






I cried, composed myself and went out and worked out till I was totally broke down, mentally and phisically. I feel better now

thoguhts on sex vs. intimate phisical contact

so I had an experience today, and it brought a lot of things to the surface for me. I had someone that I have known for a very long time make lude comments about having sexual contact with me. they were quite graphic. This is someone I have known since about the time I came out, in fact I think I may have met them that first night at bowling. I would also say that I find this person attractive. Most in the gay world would think to say something like, "well then whats the issue?"

What I really think it comes down to is that I am not near as sexual as I would like to think that I am. Its more about a bond, one of the most special that people can share. I would like to think that I have the ability to think of sex as just something people do, but in reality, I hold a really special place for any intimate contact in my life. I think that is why I have had a limited amount.

not sure why i felt I should put this in writing, just something that really upset me when it happens and I needed to figure out why.

Ripples across the pond

This has been said to death I know. Life goes by so fast, I look back and wonder where the last 10 years went, seems like just a blink of an eye. Along the way, we make choices, ones that seem small at the time. but even the smallest stone into a pond makes ripples that echo across the water. Makes me wonder what the next 10 will bring, how many years are left.

I think back on my past, and it seems I spent a lot of time in my life helping people be happy, being there for the ones I hold the closest, sometimes to just be an ear, sometimes to be that goofy fuy that you can't help but laugh at. makes me wonder if when I need someone there will be someone there for me.

I used to wonder if people thought about life and how to make this a better place to live like I did. I understand now that a lot of people don't get much outside of themselves. I think that is sad, So much wonder can be found in people, their thoughts, and human nature. I feel like when I talk to someone, I feel their pain, their happinesses, like I lived the experience. I am coming to the understanding that this is a rare thing, that most people hear, but don't listen.

I think about all the people that have touched my life just by being there, I think that this is a big part of the meaning of life. the connections we make with people in our lifes, The smiles, the tears, the fights, the laughs. When they go, these are all the things that make that one person special, how they touched the people in their lives, and in rare cases bring together people who might not have ever otherwise met. I look back on my life and I think that is one thing I am truly lucky for, being able to have as many special people in my life as I have. The memories I have created that I hope I can hold onto for the remainder of my lifetime. I hope that when my time is up those special people will say that I made some sort of impact on their life like I know they have mine.

Powerfull song

just sitting here working, and this song came onto my i-pod. I thought about it, listened again, looked up the words, cried and though. "I should post this for later."


Because of you Kelly Clarkson and Reba

I will not make the same mistakes that you did
I will not let myself
Cause my heart so much misery
I will not break the way you did,
You fell so hard
I've learned the hard way
To never let it get that far

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I lose my way
And it's not too long before you point it out
I cannot cry
Because I know that's weakness in your eyes
I'm forced to fake
A smile, a laugh everyday of my life
My heart can't possibly break
When it wasn't even whole to start with

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I find it hard to trust not only me, but everyone around me
Because of you
I am afraid

I watched you die
I heard you cry every night in your sleep
I was so young
You should have known better than to lean on me
You never thought of anyone else
You just saw your pain
And now I cry in the middle of the night
For the same damn thing

Because of you
I never stray too far from the sidewalk
Because of you
I learned to play on the safe side so I don't get hurt
Because of you
I try my hardest just to forget everything
Because of you
I don't know how to let anyone else in
Because of you
I'm ashamed of my life because it's empty
Because of you
I am afraid