thoughts mind dump

its been a little while since I was able to post... I have been doing quite a bit of thinking lately... about life, family, friends... the people I miss, the ones I don't... people that touched my life, made me smile, and then were gone... People that came into my life, and caused hurt and pain... Those that randomly entered my life if even for a few moments, made an impact and then moved on as if it was almost planned as a message...

mostly I think about my feelings, why I feel them, what spured them. I wonder if they will change in the future, or if this is just how it will be for me and my future...

I have wondered about what is the next decision I will make... the next decision that will define my life going forward... I still listen to music when I think, I cry, I smile, I sit quietly... There are so many things that I want, I just feel like I need to find myself before I can even try to work on the things that I want... like I should make a list of thing things that I need, before I look at the list of things that I want... my problem is that its difficult for me to difference between want and need, maybe on some level they are the same thing. a want, that becomes so strong it moves into a need category. or a need that is subconscious and comes across as a want.

I read a note from my mom the other day, that relayed a story of dad's tractor catching fire while he was using it, how he was covered in soot from head to toe when she found him, and he was not feeling well... Once again this kinda pointed out to me far away they are.

I have thought about getting out of the tech field, moving into something different. I feel so tired all of the time. I think most of it comes from work. I know that there are other sources in my life right now too, but for the most part, I know that I need to get away from this place at the very least. I literally feel like it is killing me, one moment at a time. Quite a different feeling from when I started working here. how I thought this place was my home, how I had found a place that I could retire from... Not sure I have ever been so wrong about anything... it reminds me of someone looking at a cow and saying "your a frog!!" and repeating it over and over again, thinking that eventually the cow will be a frog "with enough work and process, we can make that cow a frog..." and it just does not work that way... just admit its a cow and move on....

odd analogy I know... I bet a few people I know will get it though...

I think thats about it for now.

flagstaff downpour

Went to flagstaff today, hit horrible rain on the way up and the way back, but it dawned on me that I have not taken the altima on a real road trip inside AZ. it actually was not near as bad as I thought it would be... I still have mixed emotions about that car, but its really not a bad ride... it just has some things that irritate me is all LOL.

I also saw my friend JR on the way up... he passed me in his TDI jetta at about 900 million miles an hour... ok maybe not really, but he was cookin.... it helped that I was doing a little under the speed limit I suppose.. LOL

At work.. random thoughts

So today started fairly exciting.. I found out that the software I work with on a daily basis was bought by HP. This means that I will be in for some pretty serious changes at work, the extent of these is not known just yet. No matter what happens I am keeping my fingers crossed I hope that it is for the best.

I went to lunch with caddy eric today... ate a little more than I prolly should have, but now I am feeling pretty mellow, might be other reasons for that, but its all good for now. Thought I would just update this a little since it has been a while.

I spent the weekend on the house.. I had originally planned to go to san diego, and it just didn't work out. I still need to mow the grass when I get home, but for the most part I think that I got alot of the stuff that I have wanted to done. Finally got more clorine for the pool. I put that off WAY to long. I also cleaned out the DE filter and added more dirt.... that still sounds a little odd to say..

I think I will have a few really heavy posts coming up.. but thats all for now I think.

At work..

At work with the whole team... Brings back memories of when we used to do this all the time... I have been here 4 years now.... 4 years... Dam... Just thought i would post as i had this passing thought ..

cleansing and renewal.

This evening I was woke from a very vivid nightmare by what I can only describe as an explosion... once my heart felt like it was back inside my chest I realized that it was a lightning strike that had to be pretty close to the house, and that we were having our first monsson of the season... the first one here anyway with any significant rain. People here in AZ usually enjoy the monsoon because it clears he crap out of the air, at least for a little while, and brings the desert to life with smells and activity. odd that we would have our first one tonight... after everything that happened today, er... I guess yesterday... how that would happen, the clensing and the renewal would happen now...

laying here hearing the rain come down, I felt that I should write this stuff down here, both so I would remember and so that I could see my thoughts in writing. I still don't know what I am going to do, but I feel a little closer to an idea now.

I think thats in for now

thoughts....

laying here in the dark not knowing what to do, I find myself taking some of my own advice and putting the eletronic pen to paper. As a people we have alot of different kinds of relationships in a life time. Friends, lovers, realitives, co-workers, just common aquantances. Each of these relationships has their own set of rules that they tend to follow, nothing that may be set as formal rules, but rules none the less. you would not sleep with a realitive, and you would not invite a common aquantiance to a family gathering for example... I have said for a long time now that a relationship is defined by the people who participate in it.

Tonight I find myself thinking about what happens when a relationship moves outside the definition that they people who are participatants have given to it. Are there given consiquences? should there be? or like the relationship should it be worked out by those same people who are the participatants. This is an angle that I have not thought about until recently. I never even considered what would happen if the definition that was agreed upon by the people in it was violated. I can't even say why I never thought about it, I guess at the time it was a theory, somthing I had not tested, so I didn't have the experience to think about that angle. This is a different perspective for me. Thoughts like "for every action there is an equal and oppisite reaction" and "an eye for an eye" have crossed my mine when thinking about it. I think that the worst part is, once there is an agreement on what a relationship is and that is violated, can there still be trust? whats to say no matter how the rules for the relationship are changed, that they will be adhered to the second, third, or 37th time??

Today has been.... well it has just been.. I think that I will no longer have to work on B's Grand national, and furthermore if tonight is any indication, I will never have to speak to him again..... I really don't understand people. As much as I thought I might have, it is constently pointed out to me how clueless I really am. yet... no matter how many times I get kicked, or knocked down in life, I seem to keep standing up as if to almost say "AGAIN!".... leaves me wondering why sometimes... why do I keep trying?? I think that the best answer is in some of the things that I have written. That I truly believe that I never know what the next great thing is that might be just around the corner, that I try so very hard to remain positive about as many things as I can... no matter how hard it might be some time. Even through the times where I just want to crawl under a rock and hide... I don't... I try to stay out there, to smile, to be readdy for the next swing someone is going to take at me... To lead by example...

The more I think about it today was really backwards day, all the things I have been stressing about ended up really kinda nice today, and the things that I didn't or wasn't stressed out about all jumped up and attempted to taked a big bite out of me.

There is alot more that I have to say, this post it already to long and I need more time to sit and think anyway... I may post again about this.

Thoughts before bed..

So i am now laying here in bed... Thinking about stuff.. I decided to go for a drive tonight.. As soon as i left i felt tired so i cut it short...

I saw some lightning... I think monsoon season is on the way. That makes me happy.

Did some thinking about people too. I often find myself wondering why people (myself included) put themselves into situations where it would be really easy or even permotes bad things happening to them. In this context i mean things that introduce undue stress or trama/drama. This Is somthing i wish i could come up with an answer to... It might make me rich.. Lol..

On a totally unrelated note. The bamboozle has taken off growing again... I am gonna try and get some pictures so i can better see how it is growing.. I think the bigger rocks and larger growing enviornment has helped it alot... And this makes me feel a little less like i have a black thumb for indoor plants.... Ooo that reminds me, i need to trim the rose bushes again.. They took off and now need another trim... Will try and get that tomarrow i guess..

Well i am pretty tired now... So think i will wrap it up...

*note* this is also my first post from my phone... That maks me happy too..

Speachless

So there was a lot of emotion, thoughts, feelings over the last couple days. At least there was for me. L and I had a pretty significant fight over the weekend on the 6th as a matter of fact. a lot of things were said.. I left the conversation thinking that I had truly lost the best friend I had ever had. I cried, I thought, I retreated into the darkest parts of my mind... accompanied only by my music... I was very afraid of what might come next, where things would go from that point... I was so so upset about the whole thing..

then today. I get a picture message from him, of the giz. with text that simply said, "Gizz wanted me to send this to you"...

I have to say that simple gesture brought a tear to my eye, the reason why doesn't really matter. Just that it did. I responded trying to convey my feelings without being to wordy..... and then it happened, he responded with a message that I had absolutely no response for, that struck me totally speechless.

Since then, I have thought about everything again. about all the things that have happened to me, that I have experienced. I find myself wondering again if the choices I made were the right ones, if there was any other way to accomplish what I needed to accomplish without these decisions... I do have to say that I mis my friend, and as much as people have told me it will, it has not gotten any easier. to be honest I am not sure if I want it to get any easier.

well I am rambling so I think I will stop there.

late night thoughts

a lot on my mind recently, tonight I realized why I was so restless over the weekend. Saturday was the anniversary of grandpa's passing, along with everything else, I felt so restless and disconnected on Saturday and Sunday. tonight, as I sat at on the couch watching some TV it all came together.

the following will sound very odd, but I need to put it down in writing.

As I sat in the living room, I felt like there was another presence in the room. It was a calm warm feeling, not really speaking but just there, kinda a knowing comforting feeling separate from me. I believe now that it was my grandfathers presence. I looked back and saw that the 1 year anniversary was on the 6th...

I feel more calm now, more centered. at least over some stuff, there are still other things that I am working out, but I think I will wait till tomorrow to post those thoughts... give me time to think...

Movie: Transformers

I thought I would give a quick update on a movie I saw yesterday. Transformers, as someone who grew up with this cartoon, and eagerly awaited the next episode, I have to say that I was pretty excited to be sitting in the theater waiting for the movie to start. Once the lights dimmed and the previews were over (30 minutes later) and that voice that I always associated with the transformers came on, I got chills and goose bumps all over.

The rest of the movie was about the same, I found it thoroughly entertaining and I may go and see it again before it goes out of the theaters.

Another WOW day

What an odd couple of days... today, I said I would go help a friend of mine look for a car. I was still a little out of it from last night. I left fairly early went and picked them up. we ran all over the valley looking for cars. non of which met his standards aperently. after I dropped them off, I cam back to the coffee shop only to find someone whom I had not seen in a VERY long time, sitting at the shop. I knew this person was in town, but was still surprised to see them.

we chatted for a while, caughtup on life, and then my friend called saying he had found a car, which he actually bought once we went and looked at it. (thank goodness) after this. cam and this person mentioned here came back to my place, we went to dinner, and then came back and watched movies at the house. It was actually quite plesent. I of course passed out half way through the movie and ended up going to bed. but it was another day that just had me thinking WOW at the end...

How does this happen?

continued from the fourth things got really really bad with L and I... the only difference is this time I held nothing back... I spoke my mind (via txt message) in as truthful honest, way as I could, trying very hard not say anything spiteful. When it was done, and I realized, that it didn't make a difference. that I would probably have been better off not saying anything at all. Let him vent at me, and get it out of his system. at least that way he would not have had anything else to be upset about.

It makes me so angry that I never felt I could be totally honest with him, that if I did, it would only cause a fight and for him to be angry. for so long I wanted things to work.... no matter what the cost, no matter how much I felt I needed to sacrafice, it didn't matter. I was willing to do what it took to make it work. Then it happened... he got so angry that he said things that could never be taken back, I should have left that day. I should have left when he told me to, and never looked back. That way he could have started fresh and it would have been over...

At times like this I find myself thinking about what I have heard a friend of mine say a couple times. "A relationship tends to go the way it starts." meaning that a relationship tends to follow the path it starts with... I will not kid myself, the relationship between L and I started with me pushing for it and him not being real interested... that is really how it progressed. I think that I will always regret that. regret pushing him into somthing he so obviously didn't want. I may have even kept him in the relationship with guilt, that to is somthing I regret.

I look back at the good and the bad, they are times I will always remember. I wish that things could be different. I guess that life just does not work that way sometimes.... maybe more when I am not so upset...

the fourth festivities

gonna make this a highlights post since I am fairly upset tonight.

woke up today, feelin alot better. and after getting up showering and talking to cam, decided to go to a pool party I was invited to. had a really good time, was really relaxing, I cooked on my friends grill. over all was a good time.


when the party was over got a text message from L saying that he had stopped by with a get well card, and the dog.... I don't even know what to stay about that. I have asked in the past that he call before he came over, and I thought that I told him I was invited to several get-togethers... and that I was debating going to them... I just wish I understood..

What is Love

it seems to me that there are many things that are attached to the word love, espically when it comes to a relationship. I thought about this word when contenplating my last relationship and how it didn't seem to be "enough" like one word or feeling was the reason why things did not end up working out...

Now I find myself thinking with a new relationship when is the apropiate time to start using that word to describe it, or even what "love" signifies. At several points being afraid of saying it or the word itself.... SERIOUSLY.... its just a friggen word... I think that there is so much more to a relationsiop... any relationship than one word.

I wonder if sometimes that I think about stuff to much try to put meaning to things that may not be ment to have meaning.

Its odd for me to push so hard for so long, for somthing I just knew in my soul was right. Always seeming like I was just out of reach of my goal, and feeling like I could almost touch it. Reaching a point where I started to doubt that I was striving for the right goal. FInally reaching a point where I was pretty sure that it was not the right goal, then stopping the chase, I stopped pushing, and watched what had I been chasing move further and further away.... Then looking to my right only to see the things I thought I had been chasing, standing next to me. not moving away, but just there, smileing...

That of course, scared me to death, so I took several steps the oppisite direction. Each time being followed. After a short time, I decided to see if what I was experiencing was real. Since then I have been convinced every step of the way how real it really is. I make no promises or guesses as to where this will lead, but I do know that I am willing to at least see what direction it goes, no longer pushing or chaseing but walking step for step into the future.

I know none of the above made a whole lot of sence, but it is really how I see things when I close my eyes and think about them. I thought I would just write a little excerpt from the randomness of my mind.

Vacation.... of sorts...

so when I leave work today, I am on vacation till monday, tomarrow being a holiday and I took thursday and friday off with the assumption I would go camping with Eric and friends. I woke up today with my left eye swolen almost completely shut. It had hurt a little yesterday, like I had slept putting pressure on it and was just sore. Today, it is all red and itchy, kinda like when I had pink eye except without the gunk in it. I have decided to go to urgent care after work and have it looked at, no need taking chances I suppose. I have been invited to several forth of july celebrations, but I will have to wait to see how I feel in the morning to decide weather I am going to go to any of them or not... I think thats it for now, and other than another re-org at work I think not much else is going on...