connections

So over the years I have done alot of thinking about people, how they interact with each other and what that all means. I think that it comes down to a connection. People look to make a connection with other people. to not feel alone in this big world that can be a truly scary and harsh place. I think I have expressed this feeling in my life by saying on several occasions "My life is a open book all someone has to do thumb thumb through the pages." Looking for someone to stop and want to take the time thumb through my pages.. and odd analogy but I think that it fits me. I have searched for a connection, and for a large majority of my life was unsuccessful. I have been luckey to find that connection a couple times. For the most part thought, I feel that it has not been somthing I have been exceedingly successful at.

I have thought about this alot lately, with some of the feelings I have been having. I think alot of what I have been feeling is a misture of things. Both the large amounts of change that I have introduced to my life, which I do not see slowing down at least any time soon, and also some delayed emotion to the biggest change I made in my life, with all the fall out that has come of that. I have written about how I how I feel there is a piece of my life that is missing, and how it really prolly always will be. I know that noone can promise forever, but that doesn't make it any eaiser.

The conclusion that I have reached is that it comes down to the connections I do manage to make with people and how much that really means to me. The truth is that until recently, I have not really thought about the subject for some time. I feel that for a long time I was not able to think about it. Thinking about the connection I had with one person and what that would do to me if I was to lose it was not somthing I could bare to even consider. All the way up to the point where I lost that connection. Far beyond the relationship, I either conciously or subconciously pushed that connection out of my life. I cannot really understand why I did that, perhaps it was because I felt I had to do that to keep from hurting. When in reality, I needed to hurt, weather I wanted to or not. Its part of the process that cannot be "skipped"

This realization has been both really hard, and enlightening for me. I understand better now why I need to feel connected to someone in order for things to go much past a friend phase, and why I am perfectly happy putting people into a casual friend catagory so many times.

I believe that this started at a very young age for me. I was not able to make friends, and felt very hurt when I was left by the way side by someone. my defense was to become self reliant and closed off to people. taking it to the point of needing to be home schooled for a year to get away from "people"... in the end, I think that this made me a stronger person, but I also think that it has alot to do with why I need to connect with someone on a level other than phisical contact to let them into my life. I also understand why I People who only see whats on the surface and make snap decisions baised on that bother me so much.....

There are so many people in the world... espically guys that just want the phisical from someone else, doesn't matter if they are gay or straight or whatever, but what they are looking for is the quicky, this phisical gratification that comes from the act of sex, some even turning it into a sport, or even somthing to do when their board. I personally don't see anything wrong with that. If it is what both people want, then hey grate...

For me, this is the most intimate thing that I can share with someone else. Somthing not to be taken lightly... Now granted I am sure everyone has moments where its just somthing phisical, espically after you have been with someone for a while.. Also I would like to say that I have talked to several friends that have explained there versions of the act of sex, and why they do it etc etc.. I am not saying what they are doing is wrong, what I AM saying is that I can't... even if I thought I might want to... I am just not wired that way. perhaps with enough practice that might change, but its also not somthing that I want to change.

in the end I think all I am trying to say is that for me, I really enjoy meeting new people, I enjoy going out.. but when it comes to somthing more that that, I need to feel like there is a connection between me and the person I am with.