thoughts on relationships

Seems to me that this subject has come up in my life repeadly in the last 2 weeks. Gay relationships to be specific. All the different types, Open, monogmous, more than 2 parties. No matter how many times this subject comes up I keep coming back to my own definition of a relationship. A relationship is defined by the people who are in it. Sure seems like a simple thought. straightforward, nothing really hidden. As long as the people in the relationship are communicating. Agree on whatever the parameters have been defined in their particular relationship, with no one getting hurt, then who cares what other people think....

If only the world worked that way, if only people were all open minded enough to see if it works for them, then that is all that really matters. outsiders don't have to understand it, just accept it. I think that our community is on the bleeding edge for the new definitions for relationships... at least I think we are the most willing to talk about it. I personally enjoy the subject, getting other opinions, hearing people say they think this or that is wrong. its interesting to let someone get all the ways that they think a certin type of relationship is wrong out in the open and then start asking questions. Why do you think that? does this have some kind of negative effect on you? is what they are doing hurting anyone? I don't do this because I am trying to be an ass, but I want people to see that narrow mindedness is somthing that leads to discrimination, segragation, and anger. In a case like this I have to ask... WHY??? it would be like me telling somone that I think it is wrong for them to wear purple pants and a yellow shirt. Ya it might look bad to me, but its not hurting anyone, and they like it. so more power to them, maybe that will be the next fashion trend (god I hope not). I know that is an odd way to compare things, but I think it fits, and after all this is MY blog.. LOL

I spent a considerable amount of time chasing an ideal when it comes to relationships... I had found someone who was my best friend, and I was going to do anything and everything I could to be with this person... Anything I could to make this person happy. For a long time I was pretty successfull. Then I decided I would like some some stuff for me... I think this is where I made my first mistake. Because I wanted to fundamentaly change the relationship I don't think that was fair. instead I should have talked to him and told him how I felt and that I thought I was not really letting him see who I really was. Instead I chose to ask for things that were outside the definition of our relationship. I then became offended and hurt when I did not get them, so I asked different ways and pushed harder and harder, untill finally we hit an impass.. I was no longer willing to give and he was not willing to give... we both had our reasons, right or wrong... but it all comes back to communication first. So the relationship came to an end, now I am faced with the thought that I may have lost my best friend to. This again was also due to mistakes that I made. I need to now figure out how to work all of these mistakes and lessons learned into my life in a way that I will not have to make the same mistakes again, and hope that our friendship is not damaged beyond repair.

I will be the first to say that I am always learning new ways to communicate, and how bad I am at communicating certain things. thinking exactly what I want to say, and then having something completely different come out. This is something that I think is driven my fear both of confrontation and loosing something that I care about, ironically this is also the cause of me loosing some of the things that I have cared the most about, which is another reason to work on the issue in the first place.

I am now faced with someone who wants to enter a relationship with me, I will admit I let things go further than I had initially planned, much faster than I had planned. I felt like I just was not ready for something so soon, (relationships have the worst timing sometimes). But I also have to say that the experience has also been positive for me. So much different, I have been completely open and honest with him from day one, telling him that I am and would be a mess, he has been honest with me, nothing shrouded in secrecy or emotion, each time I test the limit, saying exactly what is on my mind, getting a response that he thinks he can understand and responding openly and honest to me. Something I so wish I would have done with L... that is one of my single biggest regrets, followed closely by pushing him so hard for the things I knew he didn't want/wasn't ready for hiding behind the excuse of "I can make things better for him" when all I was doing was making him feel trapped, I will not deny that we have had some truly wonderful moments, things that story's are written about, also some pretty dark moments too, time I would not go back and change for fear of losing any of those memories.

I don't know what role this new person is going to play in my life in the long run, I can say that I am cautiously optimistic, I honestly don't know what will happen from here, althought I am trying to stay positive about this and the rest of my life, it would be so easy to fall back into depression with this, I have just chosen to not let it happen this time, to let things go, and just see what happens.

I feel like I am on the edge of a cliff now, the past several years spent climbing to the top, now I stand alone, ready to jump off into the unknown... seeing highlights of what may be in my future, wondering what adventures await me? wondering if I will be ok? wondering whats next?