wednesday morning

I have been reading some of my friends blogs, and I realize that my trials in life are not always my own. that most people go through them. I have been very careful about what I put in here... mostly since I started writing where it is publically aviable, leaving out names, leaving out the detail of my life. Worried what my friends would think if they ready all the detailed thoughts that I have. Until now I have been ok with this, but the more I read on the web, and the more that see that this is supposed to be a place I can put down my thoughts for me first, where I can come back and remember what I was thinking of feeling. The more I realize that I need to put down more of my full thoughts and feelings. I think moving forward this is somthing I am going to try and do here in my blog.

Last night... last night I left work, I don't even remember what time it was, but I think it was close to 6, I felt like I had been hit by a truck. As it turns out leaving the cooler on all night was not such a good idea. I called loren on the way home and left him a v-mail saying that I could not stop by and pick up the stuff he had for me (his family had started collecting things for me before I bought the house and they were not trickeling over to lorens house) I just felt really tired and run down.

I came home and instead of going to bed like I had planned, I tinkered on the 510. I took it on a couple test drives, and it became clar to me that I don't think it is going to make it to canby, maybe next year, I just refused to feel rushed.. After finishing working on the car, I went into the house washed up, turned on the cooler, stripped down and fell into bed. I ended up watching the rest of heroes that I had not seen yet, and was a little dissapointed with how it ended.... or should I say wrapped up this volume... at some point Loren had sent me a message saying he hoped I felt better, I replied with I was in bed resting trying to feel better. I still feel like our relationship as friends/ex's or whatever title you want to give it, is still very strained. This is somthing that has been on my mind for about a week now. Did I make the right choice? is this the best thing for me? I know that I could ask anyone close to me and they would say yes... but they never saw him like I did, when we were alone, how he could... when he wanted to.... make me smile, laugh, or cry... 10 years is a long time, its a long time to just give up on or to let go of easily. I feel like we grew up together, almost like he is my little brother...

By the time Heroes was done it was 1am and I was pretty sore all over so I thought it would be good to try and get some rest, I turned on a eppiside of law and order set the TV to sleep, and ended up sleep ing right through my alarm. i felt rested but had a pretty nasty sour throat. when I woke up my first thoughts were of cammeron, and that I had not heard from him yesterday, this seemed a little odd to me, but I shrugged it off and got in the shower. I remembered something Loren said to me the last time I saw him... he said "Well if you make him happy and he makes you happy then thats all that really matters." I thought about that through my shower, and as I was getting dressed. I think that I do make him happy, and I think that he does make me happy. My issue is that with him starting ASU in September, he will have new experiences and meet new people. I don't want to stand in the way of that. I want him to have a good time and enjoy his time there. The conclusion I came to is that I should keep things as they are, and let him start school and see what happens. No predetermined thoughts or expectations.

That brings me to now, being at work typing this message. I have thought quite a bit about my goals, and I think that I am going to look for weight loss/getting in shape to be at the top of the list. combined with eating more healthy, and being positive as much as I can. to quote one of my previous thoughts. Live, be happy, knowing that any day, any hour, any moment, the next wonderful thing could come along that would totally change my life forever.