random morning thoughts

Laying here in bed waiting for a server to reboot and listening to amber anyway. Just thinking about life, love, and whatever comes to my mind. I still feel like I am headed towards something, and I don’t know what that might be. I feel like I am so far from where I was this time last year. I am actually starting to feel like a grown up, and that scares me. The things that come out of my mouth actually sound like there is some thought and experience behind them. That too scares me. Like most gay men I don’t think I want to grow up. I want to be young forever. And it’s just not going to happen. Recently more than anything… I know what I want, who I want by my side, and I can’t, instead I have to hold on, by myself. I can’t let myself slip back into a rut that I have worked so hard to get out of. The frustrating part is now I know what I want and it points in one direction. I know that I have tunnel vision right now, but I can’t help it. I try so hard to just go with the flow, to put myself out there, to meet new people, to basically keep my mind busy so that I will not think about it. Lord knows I think about it enough already.

I wish that I was shallow enough to do some of the other things that guys my age do. Just to get out and get the experience. Maybe meet someone nice. I just don’t know anymore. Seems like the more I feel like I have my stuff together the more I feel like I am headed the right direction. The more distant people become, and the harder it is to meet people. I think hanging out with Brian makes it even more difficult, he makes this meeting people thing seem so easy. Maybe I am a jealous of that.

I was listening to old v-mail’s today and I came across one from Mitch… he is another one that I miss a lot. And I beat myself up to much for that one too. Timing is everything. To meet him at this point in my life everything would have been different. What was I thinking?

I am glad that I still have music to listen to. It helps me so much, from just a good beet to words that seem to know exactly how I am feeling about thing, and how I want to feel. It’s almost like having someone to talk to that knows what I am thinking.

Sometimes I just feel so alone, wanting nothing more than for someone to be there and tell me that it will be ok. Even if it may not be ok, just to have someone tell me that it is. I think it might be time to go away for a while again, get some perspective. I would really like to climb Camelback Mountain and sit at the top and see the world from there. I would like to have my own place, I am thinking that if I cannot buy a place that I should rent for another year just to get out on my own again. Like I said in the beginning, a lot of random thoughts this morning.

I wonder why I like this song by brad paisley so much (whiskey lullaby) I wonder if it is because this is how I have felt from time to time. Like I couldn’t go on without him, that it would be easier to not go on, would he even notice? I think that I can relate to this song, that I want to feel like this, but I know that I can’t I made a promise all those years ago and I plan to stick by it. A promise to never let myself get to that level again, to that dark place that I let myself get to so many years ago now. Sometimes it seems like it would be so much easier to give up, I mean who would miss me if I were gone? What am I fighting for? So much stress, so much pain, so much worry. I have to ask for what? What am I fighting for? Kinda brings me back to this feeling that there is something bigger that I am headed for. I just wish I had a better feeling of what it was.


To my monsta: You are in my thoughts every day, I think about you when I see a new car that I want to talk to you about, I think of you when I do something…. Tazzy…. I think of you when I want to just do something random. I think of you when I close my eyes, I think off you and I smile, just hoping that you are happy above everything else that is all I have ever wanted for you. I sure miss you buddy.

-Da TAZ