I don't know what you feel, should I go or stay? I love you anyway
Haven't been able to write here in a while because I have been so busy at work and sleeping when not working. we had like 40 servers come in all at the same time, then of course since we did not have hardware on-time, we had to get 20 of them up and built as soon as possable so I lived here for a couple days.
Went out to Brian's house last night, we BBQ-D and I got a chance to talk to they guy that he met the other night when we were all out. His name is Josh and he seems to be a good guy. Seems to have his head on straight.... or maybe I should say correctly... LOL out of the people that he has dated I really think this is one of his better choices.
I got a chance to go to lunch with Brian today and we talked alto about relationships, and I learned a little more about my history from someone elese's perspective, its usually the same thing said in different ways by different people. The general message is "what were you thinking?" since I get asked that as much as i do, from people who were there as part of my history, who saw it for themselves. I have to go back to what I have always said a couple times now. That is that a relationship is defined by the people that are in it. I may not make the same decisions at this point of my life that I did then, the fact remains that I was a different person then, and the choices I made then were basised on how I felt then and things that I thought would make me happy. The moreal of the story if there is one, is that throgh our life experence we find our own direction in life and you can take advace from other people and other sources, but in the end you have to make your own choices to be your own person.
I realize that I write alot about the the monster in here but I also know that he was everything to me, from my friend, to best friend, to lover, to partner, and back to best friend. I count myself lucky have had him in my life. No matter what people say or what they think, they will never understand what we shared. Noone will ever know what it was like to be us. we were and still tend to be 2 sides of the same soul, so alike and yet so different. I know that things will never again be like they were, and I don't want them to be. that would be a step backwards for everyone involved. But I still think about him and smile when he calls. Through all the pain and the tears, I remember all the good. all the love, all the things that noone else got to see, the things that first made me say "I love you" the things that I can still close my eyes, remember and smile because I was there, to experence those things with him.
I think alot about people and how they think.... I talked to jeremy/jordan today... we had a long talk and I got to a poit where I felt I should be very honest with him. I told him that I would date him, that I thought that he was a really good looking guy, and the I also thought he was very intelegent. but that I thought he really needed to figure out what he wanted, and that spawned a conversation that was one of those, that I will go back and read later. he truly is a very articulate and brite guy. The more I think about this the more it bothers me... I have always thought that if I was more.... um... normal?? thats not the right word I know. but I have always thought if I was more like everyone else phisically that I would have better luck meeting people. I think that truth is the reason I am as nice as I am and I have the view of life that I do is because I have not been in alot of negative situations when it comes to people and relationships, becuse to be brutally honest, other than passing converstaions I have not had alot of luck with gay guys. seems like I have no problem hanging out with straight people, but I really think its because there is not that expacation that there may be somthing more than friendship that could come from interaction. so there is no social garud that they put up like gay guys do.
I hate the feeling that creeps up on me sometimes that makes me truly feel like a freak.. like no matter how hard I try I will never fit in.. more than anything I really just want to have someone in my life to share it with. it doesn't seem like its that big of a deal, other people have it, I even had it for a while. but as fast as it came to be it passed into history. I mean I look back at that time and I can still smile. but now I am 5 years older and I am single again. I am content being single, but I want so much more. I want someone I can hold, I someone I can come home to and just crash on the couch with, in-front of the tv, or go on a trip with.. it doesn't seem like to much to ask. I don't know why people don't take the time to get to know someone. What is is about me that makes me so... I done' even know what...
Everyone is looking for that perfect person instead of looking for that person that compliments them that they can build somthing with. maybe its like my friend rich says. if we were really ment to be monogmous why would so many people have this intence urge to be with different people? is it socicity that ditcates the action or the action that ditactates socicity.. just a few random thoughts as I am getting ready to leave work for the long weekend... maybe somthing cool will happen this weekend..
Went out to Brian's house last night, we BBQ-D and I got a chance to talk to they guy that he met the other night when we were all out. His name is Josh and he seems to be a good guy. Seems to have his head on straight.... or maybe I should say correctly... LOL out of the people that he has dated I really think this is one of his better choices.
I got a chance to go to lunch with Brian today and we talked alto about relationships, and I learned a little more about my history from someone elese's perspective, its usually the same thing said in different ways by different people. The general message is "what were you thinking?" since I get asked that as much as i do, from people who were there as part of my history, who saw it for themselves. I have to go back to what I have always said a couple times now. That is that a relationship is defined by the people that are in it. I may not make the same decisions at this point of my life that I did then, the fact remains that I was a different person then, and the choices I made then were basised on how I felt then and things that I thought would make me happy. The moreal of the story if there is one, is that throgh our life experence we find our own direction in life and you can take advace from other people and other sources, but in the end you have to make your own choices to be your own person.
I realize that I write alot about the the monster in here but I also know that he was everything to me, from my friend, to best friend, to lover, to partner, and back to best friend. I count myself lucky have had him in my life. No matter what people say or what they think, they will never understand what we shared. Noone will ever know what it was like to be us. we were and still tend to be 2 sides of the same soul, so alike and yet so different. I know that things will never again be like they were, and I don't want them to be. that would be a step backwards for everyone involved. But I still think about him and smile when he calls. Through all the pain and the tears, I remember all the good. all the love, all the things that noone else got to see, the things that first made me say "I love you" the things that I can still close my eyes, remember and smile because I was there, to experence those things with him.
I think alot about people and how they think.... I talked to jeremy/jordan today... we had a long talk and I got to a poit where I felt I should be very honest with him. I told him that I would date him, that I thought that he was a really good looking guy, and the I also thought he was very intelegent. but that I thought he really needed to figure out what he wanted, and that spawned a conversation that was one of those, that I will go back and read later. he truly is a very articulate and brite guy. The more I think about this the more it bothers me... I have always thought that if I was more.... um... normal?? thats not the right word I know. but I have always thought if I was more like everyone else phisically that I would have better luck meeting people. I think that truth is the reason I am as nice as I am and I have the view of life that I do is because I have not been in alot of negative situations when it comes to people and relationships, becuse to be brutally honest, other than passing converstaions I have not had alot of luck with gay guys. seems like I have no problem hanging out with straight people, but I really think its because there is not that expacation that there may be somthing more than friendship that could come from interaction. so there is no social garud that they put up like gay guys do.
I hate the feeling that creeps up on me sometimes that makes me truly feel like a freak.. like no matter how hard I try I will never fit in.. more than anything I really just want to have someone in my life to share it with. it doesn't seem like its that big of a deal, other people have it, I even had it for a while. but as fast as it came to be it passed into history. I mean I look back at that time and I can still smile. but now I am 5 years older and I am single again. I am content being single, but I want so much more. I want someone I can hold, I someone I can come home to and just crash on the couch with, in-front of the tv, or go on a trip with.. it doesn't seem like to much to ask. I don't know why people don't take the time to get to know someone. What is is about me that makes me so... I done' even know what...
Everyone is looking for that perfect person instead of looking for that person that compliments them that they can build somthing with. maybe its like my friend rich says. if we were really ment to be monogmous why would so many people have this intence urge to be with different people? is it socicity that ditcates the action or the action that ditactates socicity.. just a few random thoughts as I am getting ready to leave work for the long weekend... maybe somthing cool will happen this weekend..
posted by Dave at
5:43 PM
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